September 09, 2020

Dear Diary,
      
       Usually when I have a bunch on my mind, and it starts eating at me; I go to snapchat, I type it all out like I'm going to add it to my story, then I read it and just delete it. Most of the time it helps, sometimes it makes things worse after delefing it, cause then I just keep it all in even longer. 
       I suffer from depression really bad. And the past month or two, I've been super stressed and so then the depression started getting worse and worse. I finally hit rock bottom. I was done. I told work I didn't give a shit if I got fired, i told everyone I didn't care if anything happened to me, that my kids will still have their dad and his family and my family, and whatever woman he has in his life each week. I was genuinely done. But my boyfriend helped me, he made me talk, he cuddled me and held me and kissed me, and let me cry alone in the dark for awhile. 
       I'm a super bubbly outgoing chick. Like I strive to make everyone else smile. Im goofy as fuck. Im pretty stupid actually. Im an average girl.... most people don't think I can actually be depressed from how I act and am. But deep down, I'm sad af. 
       Im not sure what has me so depressed here lately, I have an amazing boyfriend, a loving family, two rotten ass kids. It might be just me stressing about how my next bill will be paid, how im going to feed my kids. Idk. Money has been a big issue lately, from being off work for 2 weeks from being sick(negative for covid🙄), getting help from family, having to pay every check back to people. And paying for daycare and trying to put money back for bills, but then I don't have gas, I don't have food. I don't have anything. Its stressful as fuck dude. This rona bs needs to gtfoh. For real. 
      But I think that's all I have to say for the day. Who knows, something else may happen and ill need to vent a little more, its only 6. 🙄🙄 
      Have a wonderful rest of your day, be happy, stay safe, you are loved, you are beautiful, be you, dont hold back yourself. Stay strong, keep fighting. I am here. We hear you, we see you. ❤       

    ❤ much love----Savvy❤