Dear Diary, I am waiting for the train to go to the cinema with Belle. She talked about it yesterday, but only confirmed it 2,5 hours ago so it's pretty spontaneous again.
She asked me to ask some other people to join us, but I literally don't know anyone who would come this spontaneously. I am a lonely guy and have maybe 4 or 5 friends most of them not very close. Some don't even live near here. I told her that I didn't know anyone, but she insisted. So I told her again to which she didn't answer. It made me sadm Why can't we justgo to the cinema alone, what is so wrong about that?
And I pondered over the girls I've been in love with or had a crush on over the years. When I talk about all of this people never really grasp for how long this all has been going on. This is literally an over a decade long story. My hopes are on this diary. If I keep writing it, maybe some people will understand how this feels.
I don't want to make it too long this time, so I will just talk about two girls. One of them I mentioned all the way at the beginning of this diary. I don't know if I gave her a name, but let's just call her P.
P was the first girl I was REALLY in love with. There had been ones before her, but she was the big love of my teenage years.
We were about 14 or 15 at the time, when I first fell in love with her. She was so awesome. The best thing about her was how smart she was. I was a really good student myself, so I really felt a connection to her when we were thinking of some or the same things in class. She was very concerned about the environment and about feminism. Her being so passionate about these things made me care a lot about them too. Also our names were the female and male variant of each other, which in my mind somehow meant a lot.
She was not the conventionally prettiest girl in class, but for me she was the most beautiful girl ever. I thought about her day and night. She has shaped what I like in girls. In fact Belle looks similar to her, although most men would probably ser Belle as more attractive.
But I was deeply afraid to talk to her. Somehow I even avoided her, just not to show how much I felt for her. I was so scared that she wouldn't like me back. This feeling I felt meant so much to me, I didn't want it to be destroyed.
We were 4 years in the same class and I saw her a lot in school afterwards too. My feelings never changed. One time I saw her crying next to one of her friends. And she said that nobody liked her.
I should have gone to her and told her just how much I liked her. But I didn't. This is my biggest regret in life.
Even after we graduated she would show up in my dreams constantly. And I still kept her in my heart.
The first time I saw her again, was on New Years Eve two years ago. It was right when I started being interested in Knight and I was going to meet with her.
She was standing at the train station. I only saw her back at first, but I immediately knew it was her. And right at that moment she turned and looked at me for 2 seconds before I quickly turned myself.
It was like an omen. At the time I thought it meant something for me and Knight. P is literally one of the most important persons on the planet for me.
But you know how that went. During that month I was super hard broken for Knight and could hardly sleep at all I wrote her on facebook on a whim. I told her all my felling and how things were for me and that she didn't have to reply, because it was so weird and that I was sorry.
But she did reply two weeks later. I was afraid to read it, so I only read it in small chunks before closing facebook. It took me about 3 days to read all of it. She said most of the usual stuff nice women who try to help me say. But that it came from HER made it so important. She said that she wad never interested in me and never noticed anything. But thats ok, because in my heart I always knew that.
I tried to reply, but she never wrote back after that. But her message helped me calm down and made things a bit better.
But I saw her again just a few weeks ago when I was going to see Belle for a tripm She stood at the exact same place at the station and we looked at each other again. There was a guy with her I don't know if it was her brother or boyfried.
I have to go. To be continued...