Dear Diary,
Sharing things or talking about them with someone you like, admire, kind of legitimises them. But I've lost that legitimacy arising from emotions while speaking, with all these years of faking it. A way to indifference, a power. But i didn't truly understand the faking. It wasn't empty and emotionless, it was to be driven by one deep, strong emotion. And if that one emotion is strong enough, the faking wouldn't seem so empty. But me, i feared that one strong emotion, the potential consequences of it. And the reason of faking would be my lack of admiration towards everything, the pessimism i had drowned into. But I have figured it out, pessimism is ultimate darkness, all around you. While cynicism is about seeing all the possible negative outcomes, and about being ready to take them on.
I didn't fake it with her. Because her, I admired her, everything about her, how she is so simple, so modest, so caring. I wasn't used to this. Unable to process how much she likes me.