Dear Diary,
I broke up with my boyfriend last night. He is my first. And perhaps I went too far when I thought of making it forever. Because he didn't seem to have the same idea.
I gave him more than he deserved. I ignored the signs. I blamed it on myself, that maybe, maybe I didn't treat him right. I scolded myself for every incident. I made excuses to defend him. But I shouldn't have. Because he doesn't deserve it.
i wonder What's he thinking right now. Is he thinking of me As I am thinking of him? Probably no. He was only texting when he was bored. He asked for body pics. I never gave them to him. Instead I just forgave him. I shouldn't have. Should have run the first chance I got. But I guess...i guess I just wanted to be loved. To not be alone for once....I loved him too much. More than he deserved to be loved. While he just used me. For his own purposes. I had given him two choices..to leave me or stay. I expected him to say that he won't leave me no matter what...that he loves me. But his answer was "I don't know". Moreover, he went to my friend asking which one to pick. Like what...my friend will pick it for you? Whether stay with me or leave?
I'm a bit numb. I can't get tears out. I can feel myself going back the same way again...bottling up things and staying alone as all these years. Maybe its for the best. Because everyone I trust leave. Use me. Manipulate me. Play with me. I wish I could change myself to not be kind for once. To be selfish. But I can't change it. Mostly because I don't want to...I just wanted somebody to see me the way I am. Be my umbrella in a rainy day. Because it would be so nice to actually get at least a little bit of the love that I give back.