July 12, 2020

Dear diary, this is so dumb. One time a girl in my gr.8 science class told me i need to “express my feelings more” is she dumb? She is. Bc no one is smarter then me in class. Anyhow that’s not the point the point is. Even my teachers tell me that I need to express my emotions. But I can’t feel THEM. Well I can if I let myself. That’s a sociopath. Everything is a choice to us. I can cry if I want to. I mostly cry to get something. But the emotion I can’t really control is my anger. Anyhow. When I punched that girl in the face she started crying and her nose was bleeding..it was a so cool. I started smiling bc she started yelling “don’t kill me. Don’t kill me” like I was thinking about it. But I wasn’t gunna do it. Not there. I got sent home and my mom kept asking “what was going in your mind when you did that” I just laughed. Nothing was going through my mind MOM. I felt nothing. I did it bc I can. And it felt good. And I liked the way the blood felt on my fist. •••• My mom told my whole class that I was a sociopath in gr.7. And people started acting different. I didn’t care bc it was cool. No really. I like to see what normal people do. There reactions are so different to what I’d do. •••• My mom took me to a psychologist. Bc when the incident happened she was scared why I didn’t feel any shame nor guilt. I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t care when I was labeled a sociopath. It just made people scared. And when people are scared you have power over them. And power is power. Who doesn’t want that. So on November 6th 2018 my mom came to school and told everyone in my class I was a sociopath. I didn’t mind because I was in the middle of a fight scene in my book. she also did a presentation at one of the assemblies trying to explain “what I am”. She explained it like I was a poison apple. And touching me was gunna kill them. at least no one touched me. People think I’m dumb. They explain stuff to me like I’m a baby. My gr.8 teacher was doing that to me at recess telling me that “I need to learn how to love my class mates.” So I kicked him in the di-. His fault. He’s face was all red like a tomato. I know what I did was wrong. But I couldn’t stop laughing. And then I was told to “feel guilty” THATS ONE OF THE THINGS I CANT AND DONT WANNA FEEL. So those are some stories of me. Sorry for all the writing. I’m bored. And I hate being bored. I’m writing this from on top of my roof. I’m not always violent. Hardly.”But it’s so hard to see goodness in the world when all you’ve ever known is terror.” 

-Unravel me

Can someone give me good book recommendations? Uh bye.