July 04, 2020

Dear Diary,it's my first time to write here. I don't understand what's happening to me. I have an amazing boyfriend, a family who supports me and gives me what I want, great friends who are there for me and yet why do I feel so empty. It's so cold. My eyes are droopy. I didn't go to work today. I'm tired. Not just physically but emotionally. My work doesn't even require me to do physical labor but I'm so drained. Now that I am inside the house, I have no idea what to do. I tried searching for psychiatrists near my city but they are so expensive and costly. I just want this feeling to end. I'm so tired. I feel so selfish. Everyone is trying to understand me but I don't even feel very grateful. I feel like I don't have sympathy at all besides for myself. Why am I like this? 

Mental health issues here aren't taken seriously. They often classify you as crazy. Am I crazy? I wasn't like this before. I always found things to do no matter how small and useless they were. Now, nothing excites me anymore. I just wait for night to come. 

You must be wondering how I have so many loving people surrounding me. I'm a natural comedian. I didn't get any training at all. At day, I make people laugh. At night, I laugh at my pathetic self through crying. 

I dont have any pysch person to talk to so I will try writing down how I feel no matter how empty it may seem. I just hope I could. 

Thanks for listening. And no I'm not a teenager.