Dear Diary,
Depression always seems to find a way to suck the life out of you. Have you ever felt like if you sit in the shadows long enough that no one will notice you anymore, and then you can just disappear and no one will even think twice about you? It's such an empty feeling.
It's been frustrating, I just don't feel like I can get anything done. I work at night, and take naps through the day, I feel so tired, and cannot get one task completely done start to finish.
Dream journal: SS's wife asked me out to lunch. She came to my place to pick me up, and we had a small bite. She ordered my food for me. She talked to me about a party they were planning. After food she took me to get a mani/pedi. We then went back to their house where SS was waiting for my in their master bathroom. He undressed me and took me to the shower and cleaned me, shaved me, and called me his Jewel. As he dried me off, he explained that there is going to be a party that weekend, and he had a special request for me to fulfill. It's been a few months now, he feels that I would do well with it. Normally the girls and I would just be waiting, kneeling at the entry of the house waiting for someone to pick one of us, but this time... I had an assignment before the party ever began. This party I was assigned to the 3rd bedroom on the 2nd floor. The last room in the hallway. It's also the smallest room. It had a closet that had a lock on it, and some workout equipment in it. In all the times cleaning the house and putting things away, I had never seen the closet unlocked, or open. And now, I got to start the weekend out... in the closet. SS took me to the room, took the pad lock off the closet door, and then opened it. There were ankle cuffs bolted to the floorboards, wrist cuffs off some brackets on the walls of the closet, and a metal and leather face mask/helmet that was suspended from a bracket off the ceiling of the closet. I started to cry and felt myself leaning toward the door, I wanted to run. His wife was standing in the door way, just watching me. He slowly grabbed my hand, and softly talked to me. He tried to reassure me and at the same time guiding me to the closet. As he shackled me in and put the mask cage on my head, he told me I was a "good girl" his "beautiful jewel". Once he was done, he took the time rub my body, to give me directions. He told me to stay quiet, no matter what, and just do what I was told when the other people came for the party. It was dark with the mask on, and it was cold. I couldn't see with the mask on it covered my eyes. I heard the door close hard, and the rustle of the padlock being put on the door. It felt like hours I was in there before I heard noise, maybe downstairs, and then it was a while after that before I heard someone in the room, and then messing with the padlock to open the door. I heard a rough deep voice, they were thanking SS, started to touch me, and complement SS. I started to cry, I could feel the mask sticking to me more as my tears just wouldn't stop coming. I could hear their breathing accelerate, and their touches got heavier, and more purposeful. I wondered if my crying excited them more.
I woke up at that point. I hated the closet, even more so after experiencing it. I felt so bad for the girls that were designated there from then on. The closet, the box, the cage... I think those were the worse ones really. I cannot even put my own dog in a cage...