Dear Diary,
Thank you again for being my repository of all the bad things in the day so that I can have a happy and smiling forward face to the world...
I had my labs today. Next month I can then do my review with my doctor on how they can out over the last few month... Always hope for the best. It's just sad that kidneys don't heal like the liver. Once they are damaged they just scar, they don't grow back. Fingers crossed.
Work has been trying to come up with a game plan to bring those of us that are high risk back to work. I have loved and hated working from home. I miss people's faces... although I wasn't social I enjoyed being lost in a crowd and seeing people. I also miss being about to do all of my job. I can get about 2/3's of it done from home. The rest is not accessible from home.
Working at night has been hard, but it's almost over. My 4 month rotation has almost come to an end! I can start to re-integrate with the land of the living... ha ha.
I miss my family... It was really great to get to spend time with them, but it's really hard the long pauses in between. I just want to be there with them... but I also enjoy my distance and being able to live my own life. I hate the conflicts of life...there are so many of them. Time passes though, the only thing that isn't conflicted. There's no way to go back, only forward...
Is this a safe place? I have been going back and forth on it for a while. I shared my dream journal in the past, and have been trying to figure out if that was the right thing to do or not. It was helpful...but I am always so scared of judgement. My life had so much darkness in it that plagues me everyday. When I am asleep, still, silent, alone...it's always there. I had my 6 years of hell so long ago, and it was everything I could do to get away from it. There have been a few small and isolated things that happened after those 6 years...and my mental state definitely affected how all that went down... The last 5 years of my life have been a big change for me. My wonderful husband has been helping me regain a sense of self. The ability to try and stand up for myself. I had no issues putting my head down and ignoring the passing of time...work, bills, eat, sleep...rinse and repeat... but that wasn't life. It's a big difference where I have someone by my side, telling me it's ok, and being there to protect me, helping me identify people that won't hurt me, and removing me from situations that will hurt me... When you get the ability to say "no" beaten out of you...when your body reacts with just shutting down to stress or pressure... when your mind just tells you that it's easier to just let them do what they want to you and you can save yourself the ability to get away later... it takes a lot of retraining and work to not do that anymore. I consciously always told myself how much I didn't want to let them do those things, I in my heart didn't want to do what I did, I cried every time I was alone after the fact... but I couldn't stop my reactions...
When I don't take my sleep aids I only nap off and on through the day...today was a long day. I got off my night shift, and rested. Then I had to go do my labs, and came home and had off and on naps. Then my husband came home and I was up and down with naps, and now I am back on shift and going to write about my dreams I had throughout the day. Please let this be a safe place for me to vent. This is my outlet about my life and my past. Please keep your judgments to yourself. I honestly cannot handle them. Please, and Thank you.
Dream journal nap 1: 2 years after my 6 years of hell, there were some coworkers that convinced me to go to a bar for my birthday. That weekend there were parties everywhere, so many people. Once the bartender announced it was my birthday it seemed that everyone wanted to buy me a drink. I had no idea who or where the drinks were coming from, but there was always one in my hand. I was ready to go home many times, but them being my ride, didn't want to leave yet. There was this one guy that seemed to always be where ever I was. Even dancing, when one of my co-workers would drag me on the dance floor, they were always there...behind me, or trying to touch me. I went to the bathroom, and he followed me, right into the stall... my dream turns into a strobe light effect...like flashes of what happened. He locked the stall behind us, started to kiss my neck and press up against me. I tried to move away but there was no room, what little I could move I was pressed up against the stall. His hands moving up my shirt and fondling me. I started to cry and and wanted to beg him to stop. I remember his hand moved to cover my mouth briefly. I heard him shushing me in my ear and that's when I could feel the numbness creep from my head to my toes. I don't remember how but then my pants were on the floor, and he was inside of me. There is just darkness, and numbness for a while. Then I remember one of my coworkers finding me in the bathroom and joking that maybe I had one too many to drink... helped me get dressed and drove me home. I curled up in the shower and just cried for hours, washing myself over and over and over again. All I could be was mad at myself. I hated me myself, and sometimes still do.
Dream journal nap 2: During my 6 years of hell. SS came to my house. He took me by my hand and led me to my shower. He started to wash my hair, and then my body. He conditioned my hair and then shaved me and got me all clean to his standards. His wife had laid out clothes on my bed, and was getting some food prepped in my kitchen. I got out of the shower, and he dried me off, directed me to go to the kitchen for his wife's approval, and some food. Then I met him back in the bedroom and got dressed, then he did my hair, kind of a loose but styled bun. They walked me out to their car, and we went to what they called a Social, or Coffee Meetup. It was a coffee shop with some outside seating in the town over from where I lived. There were some familiar face from his house parties there, and some of the girls dressed similar to me were a little familiar also. We weren't allowed to talk to anyone, or each other. After a while some of the girls were starting to leave with people, but not who they came with, and some people took multiple girls. I was handed over to someone too, and taken to their car. We were in the car for over an hour, I had no idea where I was going or what to expect. ...When we eventually arrived, I was guided to a house. The man that I was handed to directed me to take off my clothes once we were inside. When I was naked he put a collar on me. There were some other people at the house, I didn't much want to pay attention to anyone. I was already scared, nervous, and vulnerable, cold and naked. I didn't pay attention to who was barking the orders, I just didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to disappoint them, because if they told SS they were disappointed then I knew I was going to be punished. Getting drinks, serving them food, kneeing and being a tray holder, on my hands and knees being a foot rest, performing sexual acts, being painted like a canvas, cleaning up other peoples messes...it didn't matter what. As long as they were entertained and happy, I might have momentary unpleasantness, but I knew I wasn't going to get beaten or hurt. I just turned my mind and emotions off. It was well into the night before SS came to pick me up. They exchanged money and took my collar, SS put me in a rode and led me to his car. He then took me home, showered me, and told me I was a good girl. No punishments this time. I was getting the hang of it, it seemed. I liked getting used to it, that I wasn't punished, but there was a place buried very deep down that didn't like it, that was very bothered by it, but the numbness was overwhelming, I almost couldn't tell anymore.
I think I will leave it there for now. My other dreams... I just don't feel ready to talk about. I think I have said enough anyways. Thank you again my dear diary for being my place to dump on. I just cannot keep it to myself sometimes. I tried counseling, and psychologists. Maybe I never had the right one. When they start by telling me things like..."you know that 1 in 5 women have some had some kind of sexual assault or rape, this is fairly common, you can move past this" I just stop listening after that. When my dreams leave me alone...maybe I will believe that I can move past it...