Dear Diary,
Surrounded by family but still so depressed. I love seeing my parents and trying to be here for them but the evidence of life...the fact of life...that we all get older, fall apart, and eventually pass on is all around. I am so not prepared for when that happens...I don't think I ever will be. I hate life...that it has to end some day, but I love life, the love and wonder that it has. This week I watched the sunrise, and the sunset. They are so beautiful. All the color and the clouds... I feel like I haven't helped my parents at all... I need to get things done for them now that they are moving in, but there's still things that have to be done before I can finish things, and nothing seems to be getting done. I just hope that I can find some time to come back soon and help them. I would hate them to have to pay someone to do things, and then it not be the way they want it.
I have been neglecting my dream journal. What little sleep I have been getting... I don't want to take my sleeping pills since they make me sleep 10-12 hours...and I am here to be and help family. Although I don't know if it's just my kidney's acting up, if there has been too much salt some how, if it's something that I have been eating, or just a change in climate/environment that I have been swelling up, annoyingly so. I can't walk normally cause my ankles are so swollen. It's almost painful. I have no idea what to do to fix it... My doctors appointment isn't till next week... I know I cannot fix my kidneys, but I just don't want the swelling. Sigh.....
Have you ever wished that your past just simply be your past, that it wouldn't affect your present or future. I know that life is what you make it, but there are so many things that I didn't choose, that I didn't want, and I have no idea how to live with. I try to leave it in the past, but in my dreams, and day to day it's always there. When I meet people I try to only tell them what I have to, many people that's nothing, and just hope they never find out. Why do I regret what I had no choice in?
Just smile
Just hug the ones you love
Just try and help when and where you can
Just love
Just be
I don't know what else to do right now.