Wise One,
I had a wonderful past two days. Saturday I played DND with some online friends. I also gave myself a bit of a spa day. I used the Aztec healing clay I purchased a few years ago for a face and hair mask. I can't believe this powder has lasted so long. Then again, I do not use it as consistently as I should.
I went to bed at around 7 am today and woke at 5 pm. I'm struggling to find a good sleep schedule. I seem to naturally want to stay up at night and sleep all day, especially now that it has been getting so hot. However, this can be problematic, especially when we need to run errands.
During meditation, the goal was to observe my breathe at the tip of my nose, focusing just on that for at least two breaths. I couldn't do it. I am just so incredibly aware of everything, the hum of the ac, the feeling of my clothes on my skin, and the beating of my heart. Though I did not meet this goal, I was able to keep my eyed closed for 3 minutes (normally, I get really antsy after just one).
In Buddhism, I learned more about impermeance. There was an emphasis on death in this chapter. It was interesting to learn Buddha himself and his desciples would study bodies in the open air crematorium. They studied the decay, all to remind them they would one day be like that too. My favorite quote is "Even the most beautiful body is a corpse that has not given up its ghost." All of this serves as a reminder that everything is a temporary state. That tomorrow is not guaranteed. Though I understand the lesson is to live a meaningful life, I am not sure how to create/find what's meaningful to me.
The self discovery books were very complicated this chapter. Both books discussed the importance of involving others in the process or creating an accountability team. This part was difficult because, aside from my husband, I am not close enough to anyone for it to work. After all, how can another's perception of me be accurate if they do not know me? Also, creating an accountability team works better if we share the same goal. For example, if a few friends and I want to lose weight, working out together and keeping eachother accountable makes sense. Yet, the goal of self discovery and creating a true sense of identity is very personal and individual.
After all, I do not want to define myself through external factors. I have made that mistake for years, considering who I am to be a combination of societal status and titles. For example, I am a wife, a veteran, a student, middle class, young, or an athlete. However, if you define yourself through these labels, what happens when you divorce, lose your job, age, or get injured?
I feel who you truly are is what is left when you take away all those titles. Instead of depending on others and society to label you or using external factors and circumstances, shouldn't our identity come from something internal? Isn't who we are deep down unshaken by labels, status, or circumstances? Can we really depend on others to answer such deep questions for us?
Besides, I feel like I am accountable to you Wise One. I feel writing these letters to you keeps me accountable and helps me find insights that would have otherwise been undiscovered.