June 06, 2020

I did well today. Despite all I was feeling, I accomplished my goals. One thing that bothers me is meditation/mindfulness. It is meant to calm the mind and decrease anxiety. However, whenever I do it, it feels like my anxiety is amplified. Even my heart rate goes up instead of calming down. Though it is getting a little easier, it is still really intense. I wonder why, or if I am doing something wrong.

When reading about Buddhism I learned about different approaches to the mind. It is a little confusing, but I am still on the chapters that introduce basic concepts. Hopefully when I get to the chapters that go in depth, I will be able to understand it more.

I also worked on my self discovery/self esteem books. There was a chapter on mirror work, that one didn't connect with me well. I really do not like the whole affirmations aspect of it. I had a therapist previously recommend it, and it really backfired. It was like saying positive things to myself outloud made my inner critic so much louder. Eventually it just became a major source of stress.

Instead, I prefer to use actions. For example, making the effort to have good hygiene and care for my skin is showing myself through action that I value myself enough to keep clean. I do my best to work out and eat healthy to show honor and respect to my body. I learn/study to stimulate and care for my mind. I work hard to make the day a positive and productive one, despite all that's going on. For me, taking action is far more effective and less stressful than affirmations, though it is technically more work.

Finally, I read a chapter on how emotions are important to self awareness. I did better than expected, as I was raised to believe the only acceptable emotion was happiness. Anything else means I'm weak and can be punishable. Now, I understand the value in all emotions even the so called negative ones. However, there are times I just feel good or bad in a way that I am not sure how to put into words, or for reasons I don't understand. Sometimes there isn't even a reason, but the feeling is just there. I guess that's why I am surprised I did well on the exercises. Perhaps that is your influence?