Is 4am... am still awake.
Even if i love the silent night, i hate the thoughts running in my mind.
I better write this down before i forgot...
Am not very good in languages, no matter how much i study. Am unable to sit still with shity uncontrollable ADHD. So hope this won't confuse anyone with my low vocabulary..... still freaking learning at x10 times hardness using available leftover braincells....
ANYWAY
I tend to have this annoying habbit of arguing myself in defining "Who is myself" is. You see, it gets in your head every single day till u lost whom you are and confuse others with your identity including oneself.
Hmm....Get it?
I know when i started to develope this "Argument" or should i say:
The feeling of self developing.
To whom,why and when?
For what purpose should i be special for this ?
Ah, it started when i want attention from my parents. Haha... i feel like i gonna fade soon anyway whats the point? But the truth is no matter how much i want to end it, i still cling to this so call "Hope".
I need to let it go. I have to, it's been years since the day i am able to walk on my own feet and yet....
Somehow i still research about these feelings of mine when i started to develope awareness of surrounding. Its very late for my stage when i studied my symptoms of why i am so diffrent from indiviuals. It scares me, really.... as i am i unable to control my emotion and i exploded. I blame my parents when am 25.
I regret and feel guilty but full of anger. Some of these feelings clashing:
- I am almost an adult, i should be independent and sensible.
- Why do i always cause trouble everytime i open my freaking mouth.
- Don't give up, i still can make a diffrences. But when i am able to?
- Nothing will change because it is as it is.
Etc etc etc etc....
Hahahaha... its very true children reflects on parental Behavior. Its an endless cycle.
Explaining these to my parents is like talking to nothing. They are not wrong, its how they experence from life, but i rather want them not to give birth to me if i could control time.
My parents have a good heart, really... but mostly towards friends/stranger instead.
As being the youngest, i am always the easy target in the family.
- Daily mental abusive words
- Hypocrites
- Negertiveness
- Ignorance & impatient
- Blaming flauts in others
- Not appreciative
- Favoritism & Comparism
- No Moral
Is okay really, i am numb about these shits but i really hate it when my family members especially my parents telling others saying how their children not perfect and not helpful. The humor!!! children are born with your perfection. FUK MY PARENTS TRADITIONALS SH*TY VALUE !!
I am horrible exhausted... i sometime really wish to end it all. Is very simple actually but i can't do it! i am fucking do not want to waste what my parents raise in me. I wonder what happen if they pass though... truthfully i do not want to know....
I want to be normal you know? I want to return the life of what was given to me. I want to be possitive and successful But i am unstable, weak, stupid, jinx and all.
Yes yes, 'be positive, you are not, you are fine, etc etc
DON'T just don't say it as it is fuking easy with those shity sentances to make others brighten up in a ZAP! Who are you to know? Omg i dispise these people so much!!
Just because I did not show any sign of diffrences does not mean i am normal!
If you want to help this type of people seriously; Simply be there for them always. Stand by them...., Thats all we need. Seriously.
Sorry... sometime i talk as if there are people out there similar cause as me, its not that i trying to be selfless but i am...just.... i don't know.
is 6am... till next time.
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