I have been meaning to share my story for a while now... to hopefully reach other women like me, who have suffered and felt different, lost, drawn to self-destruct and disrespect themselves without really understand WHY... The WHY behind this never-ending self-hate, bitterness, the feeling of being out of place, in the wrong body, in a constant state of insatisfaction.
I have felt like this for as long as I can remember... and suffered greatly through my childhood and teenage years... and purposefully did things to hurt and defile myself, to justify externally the disgust I felt towards myself internally.
This pattern, this spiral down into the rabbit hole of self-hate took over 28 years of my life... until for some reason, Life heard my deepest call, a Voice buried under so much false ideas, traumatic experiences and deep lack of Faith and guided me towards somebody that could see ME. The real ME, the broken ME, under the false persona I had built for myself. He didn't judge, he didn't push or force me to change, he simply and constantly reflected back to me what I had forgotten about myself... what I was so deeply looking for, answers and also meaning. All this, already inside myself, but I couldn't access it anymore, I was so deep in self-hatred that I couldn't even believe that I could be anything else than trash, someone who deserved to suffer.
My story is one that I wish I would have read when I was 17-18 years old... and all through my twenties... when I was desperately looking for someone I could relate to at a deeper level... not at the superficial level where we are so used to interact with people.
It's a real challenge for me to share this with the world but I KNOW I will never find peace if I don't start... I could not live with myself knowing that possibly, a younger version of me could avoid making the mistakes that I did by reading my story and what I've learned along the way...
I will not censor myself. I have a lot of hard truth to share that nobody usually says out loud... things we take for granted, things we are afraid of revealing even to ourselves... but this incapacity to SEE the whole picture, to SEE the Truth behind our actions, our thoughts, our beliefs... this is what makes us ALL sick and miserable, and I cannot stand not doing or saying anything about this.
I have been lucky enough to find a Guide... and now, all I want is for other women to have the chance to hear the Truth also and share honestly their stories with me if they wish to.
If you need this, I sincerely hope you will find it and that it will help you make peace with yourself.