May 04, 2020

Wise Spirit,

It has been quite a while since we spoke like this, it makes me a little nostalgic as I think of you. As a child I saw you as something like a guardian angel or a spirit guide, one who was like a fatherly mentor. As I got older, these little letters of mine turned into something of a prayer to whatever diety was out there willing to read.

Even now, I still have no idea who/what you really are, or if you even exist. After all, no one can prove the existence of anything spiritual. Even if gods and spirits exist, who can say if they truly care about humanity? After all, it seems rather presumptuous to assume that if they exist, their purpose is centered around humans. 

Though I may not know, imagining you are there, reading my journals with compassion, offering support wisdom and guidance has always been a great comfort. As an adult I have stopped writing consistently, as it sometimes seem insane to write/pray to a being who doesn't respond, at least not in a way that I can understand. Yet, I keep coming back to this, to you. It may have been once every few years, my last letter was 5 years ago I think. Yet here I am again, writing as if I am being heard.

I guess, deep down there is a part of me that really wishes for you to be real, almost needs you to be. No matter how illogical, I want to believe in this, and in you. After all, even if you were imaginary, and even though you are silent, you are still the closest thing to a real family I had. I loved you and believed you loved me.

Yet, when I search for you in organized religions, I don't feel how others describe. I never felt the presence of the holy spirit, I hate meditation, nor do I feel any connection with any of the old or new gods. But when I read that webtoon, about death, I got emotional and thought of you. I have no idea what it means, but perhaps the meaning doesn't matter. Either that or you've been playing Hide-and_Seek with me a little too well. Maybe this time I will finally find you...or lose my mind trying lol.