April 29, 2020
Dear Diary,
Well, I got about 3 hours of sleep. This pattern is making me concerned. I looked up on the web portal for my doctor, and I see that he has filled my request for a sleep aid. It is going to be mailed to me. I hope that is doesn't get lost like so many of my Amazon packages have.
I don't exactly remember my dream today, but I remember snapshots of possibilities that never will be. I woke up with a pain in my heart and stomach. I woke up with a feeling of great loss, and sorrow.
I fear I may never have children. I want them, and probably will never have them. My friends have children and I am happy for them, but I find that I cannot be around them (the children) and I always feel like I am imposing on people with children, and I find as a friend gets pregnant, I start to distance myself from them. I think it's ok to have that hurt, feeling of being rejected. It's not even jealousy, it's almost loss, or mourning for what I don't have. From the one I lost because a choice I didn't have, to the 3 miscarriages my husband and I have, I feel like I don't deserve children. Maybe one day my husband and I will talk about adopting a child, but I feel my emotional and physical inability to be near them might be an issue.
I always think of the conception dates, when I found out I pregnant, and the day I lost them. I also think of the their birth date that never was, and how old they might be now. What they might be like, and while trials and tribulations that I would be going through with them to help them grow and learn.
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