Dear Diary,
I want to sleep; I should be asleep; my mind doesn't let me. Pain, always PAIN. Why does my brain hold on to these memories more than the happy ones and consistently remind me of them? This dream always comes to me in clips, always the worst of it clips... I just want to forget. Why won't it let me forget...
Dream Journal -
It was my turn for security detail. I was on patrol, at night, I believe that the two that always gave me the most issues but the leadership never believed me were the ones that jumped me. But as I was told by the cops, If I never saw their faces, I don't have the right to accuse them. Zipped tied my blouse over my head and arms, hit me many times, or kicked me, I wasn't sure. They kept saying that women are weak and don't belong. They told me they wanted to teach me a lesson. They took turns holding me down and violating me. When they were done, they just rolled me into the concertina wire and left me. My senior found me, helped me clean up, and sent me back early. The investigators showed up later, I found dealing with them for the next year worse than the attack. The medical people had me go in for many appointments, and tests for the next several months. I was told at one point that I was going to need some procedure done. I found out about 2 weeks after that it was an abortion they performed. Always the things people said behind my back, the lies and rumors, and twisted versions of the stories people told, but they never asked me, I never told them, but they knew... They said it all, it's her fault, she asked for it, she shouldn't even be here.
I wake up from this dream with pains all over my body. When I saw a counselor after the events, I was told to let it go, move on, it's over, I didn't have a choice anyways, it’s not like I can change the past... I know I cannot change it but HOW...how can I let go? how can I move on?
I took sleep aids a long time ago, and when I got married and had my husband every night, I stopped taking them. Being with me, holding me, my safety blanket, even some of my dreams were starting to be less. Since we haven't been able to sleep together with job changes and things, it's been getting worse...every day worse than the last. So, I reached out to my doctor, he is going to prescribe a sleep aid. But I am scared, that I will not be able to wake up from nightmares... I will just have to wait and see.
I have some peace of mind that women and even men now have more of the laws on their sides. People try to believe them first instead of just jumping to judgments. I still do not like or trust cops, or investigators. I avoid them when ever possible. They have never been on my side. It's always the good old boy system.