It's 4:01 AM
I have no idea why I am awake. Perhaps it's that new Jameson Whiskey Cold Brew. Something delicious. But boy is it making my head run a million times per hour.
I think a lot about life. Like, have I really been living it to the fullest? or have I been doing what makes me comfortable? Do I enjoy it? It so happens what when I set my mind to something I always somehow manage to achieve it and by grit or sheer luck, I have been able to do so. Have really been pushing myself enough? But in reality no. I don't think so. Otherwise, I would have been perhaps more successful by now. I guess it's never too late. However, I feel like I am always late for everything. I lack discipline for myself. I am great with words and a great bullshitter but I can't fucking bullshit myself. Besides marketing and good at selling I cannot be a con artist. I am an artist. I feel like I have been lying to myself by being lazy and staying on my phone all the time. Perhaps it's the social distancing that's making me lonely.
I long for a connection.
For someone to love me.
But I'm also afraid to be vulnerable again because they all use me and take me for a fool. I am too smart or maybe too foolish but honestly, I fuck just to fuck but I don't feel a thing. My lover, he tells me he misses me. I stare at the message blankly and ask myself. Do I miss him too? No. But he's also a good friend who has been there for me.
As fucked up as it is, I've been socially distanced but great at people.
Tonight I ask myself, have I really been doing enough for myself or just fooling myself. I need more discipline because I really want to see how far I can push my mental and physical capacity to manifest the life that I want and deserve. I know I can do it, I've done it before. During this economic depression as for the COVID, rise a new Phoenix; bitch. Even though there's no longer a schedule I need to create on to continuously grow, adapt, and evolve.
I pray that the spirits, universe, gods above protect me and my family to keep us healthy and safe from wherever they are across the world. I pray that I find guidance and grit to achieve and succeed in my career and wildest dreams.
Wake up tomorrow a fresh start to a new day and a new week.
Be the best version of you every day, Let's try this.
Meditate. Go the fuck to sleep and Jetlag yourself. RESET the schedule