March 22, 2020


Dear Diary,

Today is the worst day of my life. 20 hours ago my bestfriend was diagnosed with Covid19. My heart is broken into pieces. The first time in my life i feel so helpless.

We've been through a lot. This is the first time I can't do anything for him, to help him. 

I didn't even get a chance to tell him how I truly feel. That I am in love with him for 3 years now.

Now i realized what it meant when people said "Life is Short" 

I have everything in the world and he is the only thing or person I've been missing. 

If i can only trade everything that I have in this life to save him I will darn will or if I can only trade place with him I will do it in a hearbeat. 

I am in quarantine for days because the last time we did is tour together. I am nit showing any signs or feel sick or anything. I feel like crying now remembering what he just told me before he drop me off " Best this Corona thing going on is now pandemic, if you have 24 hours left what will you do?" 

I told him i will spent it with him since I can't spent it with anyone else. I asked him the same question. He said "If i have Covid19 then I won't spend my time with you so you won't get sick too" we laughed together but then he paused and said " if I don't have it though I will spend it with you and Ziva" (his puppy). 

We hugged and he waived goodbye. That was the last time I saw him. We did video chat and he called me when they went to hospital for test.  

He was laughing when he called me then started to changed his tone saying "Remember what we talked about on the yatch last time?" I said yes. 

I know something was up. My heart skipped a beat. I feel it i sense it and I don't know why. 

"Best I'm positive for Covid" he said. I told him i don't believe him. I even cuss at him for joking. He said something else but i couldn't understand. His Mom took the phone from him. We had a long talk and he told me the things that they will do for the next 14 days i feel like passing out or like my legs are weak. I found myself falling in the floor. I know a lot of people survived this virus especially young ones but he is young but he survived LAM before and got lung transplant. His mother is scared he won't be lucky this time. I even told Aunty how come he's positive and how come i'm not. Although the answer is a little obvious. He is not perfectly healthy to begin with. 

I and and Aunty cried for long and she asked me to be strong for him and pray. She then passed on the phone. 

i know I'm supposed to tell him how much I love him how I fell in love with him, how I want to travel the world with him and how beautiful and smart our kids going to be.... but lo and behold i told him " I hate you so much, if you die I will kill you" and I just cried in agony.

I have high hopes he will survive this and I will tell him how i feel. I cannot wait for the cure for this virus or make this virus gone for good and the world will back to normal. 

I want to tell him that time but I am scared as hell and i know its not the right time. I told him to be strong and pray and we will get through this and don't worry about Aunty and Ziva.

I have a lot of regrets in my life... he is the best thing and the most beautiful that happen in my life and I am scared to lose him forever... 

Did I do the right thing?