Journal,
do you know what its like to be in a relationship? for me it hurts, not in a bad or good way. it hurts at the heart. its like the lily pads, two close then one far away. I always feel that I don't do enough for the relationship, and that I just leave it all to the other. I just feel awkward. It really is painful to me. to see the other do all the work while I just stand around. It hurts, it hurts that I'm just like the water, constantly moving, thinking, "peaceful," but never going anywhere. it always looks calm, peaceful, and quiet on the surface. But underneath its just cold and forever changing. I know I'm lucky to like the way I am. I know lots of other people dislike their looks. But i'm fine with my face, my weight. But I don't know how I feel about my life. I feel like a shell, just empty. Waiting for some emotion to inhabit it. But its fear that really hurts, fear that my response will cause conflict, fear someone will dislike how I talk to them. How I ignore them and talk with others. I don't understand how some people cant see how others feel. I explain myself and they turn it into something about them. They don't take me seriously, because in just a "quiet, protective person who never speaks" I hate it. how other people assume they can form my opinion. I'm a human I can speak for myself. Stars are beautiful. I guess a Leo's secret wish might actually be to be a star. Maybe Id be happy if i were a star. A guardian, watching over the earth, only appearing at night when its silent. Its hard to live in a bright world. staying positive while everyone around you secretly despises you. Its hard to understand, to speak out, to be happy. Its really hard though to say no. when someone asks you if you want to go somewhere or do something you don't want to say no because you're afraid that they wont like your response. when you look in the mirror, you might see beauty, or something you dislike, that you want to change. I hate it. The reflection I get is not me, but whats inside. An empty mass, eternally waiting. Waiting for something to help them. something to provide something. I feel like the girl from clover, a four leaf clover who has to live in isolation, who hasn't figured out what happiness is. A simple wish might make me happy, but I don't know what it is. I wonder what it be like to be a star. Maybe it would be nice. but I wont know. I'll never know, because I'm just me. Sometimes I wish that I could stay out at night, that I could be floating in the middle of a lake I know, just how I am now. Staring at the stars. Silence is peaceful, but I'm just me, writing my heart out for the first time. I love myself, I hate the feelings. Feelings that take over your mind. They consume you. The only time I actually feel is when I'm alone. in the darkness, with the stars. I can talk to them. They listen, they don't respond, they don't judge. They might understand.