Dear Diary,
At the beginning of everyday evening discourse, Guruji would say, one more day has passed and I felt good every day when he said this. This is the last part of this series. I’ll write about the rest of the days there, what I think in the end, how it affected me and I’ll write about meeting Judy.
Day 7, Day 8, Day 9: Smata hi pushta ho, Anitya Bhava bana rahe
For the 3 days, you practice the same thing. Looking at (Feeling) your body. You start with feeling sensations on skin, but then you go deep inside, looking through your body. Try to feel your heart beating inside you. See your body as chunks of molecules. Molecules creating and destroying.Until you feel a consciousness in your entire body. While maintaining Samta. Not craving for any sensation and not feeling disgusted if not getting sensations.
On 8th Day, I had an Aha Moment when Goenka Ji explained with an example something about how we have created an image of ourselves, in us and in every single person we know, and how attached we are to that image. We spend our lives maintaining that image. It’s not real, it is not who we are, but it is what we think we are and we want people to know that this is who we are. I suddenly realized, what I was doing wrong all this time. I was living for that image, unknowingly. And whenever that image would break, it would hurt (Ohh shit, she doesn’t like me, but I thought she thinks I am handsome. Ohh shit, people think I am not very smart.).
I already knew the importance of being the person who you are, but I didn’t realize it until now that I was lying to myself.
I also learnt a few more things about myself.
How we always love only ourselves. Even the people we love are good only if they fit into our imagination of happy ourselves.I also imagine less now, we often imagine a lot of things before doing, how I would approach that girl and crack a line and she would smile. Or how I would just write a status update of me travelling in Europe and people would think I am a real traveller. But things almost never happen that way. So I decided to focus only on what is in the present, this moment, here, what I have to do. But not imagine how it would turn out to be. And I also lost a few pounds.
The 10th day is Maitri mangal day and we are allowed to talk with each other. Honestly, I have been waiting for this day. I wanted to talk to everyone and know what they were feeling after the course.
After the session, we come out and everyone starts talking, Everyone were so amazing. My room mate’s name is Milind and he like me wants to help farmers. The guy in long hairs is Amit and he is 33 yrs old, and he teaches yoga. The guy who lost his faith in the course 3 days ago is Suraj and he is a student and he is Punjabi. Later I would know how funny he is. I go over and say Hi to the fashionable girl, she is Jyoti, She is Jain (I thought so). She is from Delhi and the girl in the cap, who always come on time in the hall is Richa, she speaks Punjabi too. But she is not Punjabi, she lived in Chandigarh for some time, later I would know that she has lived in many places and she is doing doctorate now.
And the girl from China, She is Judy. We spent one more day in Leh and she told me her beliefs about the universe, we talked about the Starseeds, aliens, 7 dimensions, dark matter, and the mission of life. She says she could be a Starseed and I could be too. We just have to keep looking for the signs. She left an impression on me, I wanted to miss my flight and spend one more day listening to her.
We only had one day, but I felt so connected with everyone. I learnt many things from Jyoti, Rohit, Suraj, Richa, Abhinav, Puggal, Judy. Everyone. (Guys if you are reading it, I really miss you all).
I learnt the technique there, but now I have to practice the Dhamma in my life. Search for who I am has only begun, its not an end, but a good beginning.
Love you ❤️