Dear Diary, today I asked Knight if the japanese course was beginning on wednesday, since then it would be online and I wasnt sure if the course could start online. Maybe I wanted to meet my one guy friend who got Elden Ring on that day.

(This is the first entry that I'm writing on the App since the Update and the text isnt scrolling properly while writing, please fix this)

But it turned out that Knight isnt actually attending the Japanese course. I was shocked, the main reason I registered and payed money for that course was because I thought I could attend it with her. She said that she wanted to focus on writing her thesis, which is understandable but she could have told me about it, before I register. This hit me harder than I would have thought. It showed me all over again how futile my attempts at being a sociable person are. I wasnt even really expecting us to get romantically close or anything, I was just hoping that we could get over that awkwardness between us if we had everyday occurences together. Then I would have had a good female friend, which would have maybe helped me find a girlfriend and ma,be I would even get some physical closeness out of it. It sounds so stupid, but I've wanted a real hug from a girl so bad for so long. Like one that isnt just a greeting for one second. And even that is rare.

I'm trying to look at the positives that maybe Knight will be in the Ghibli Seminar we were talking about and that will be enough. Or that there will be someone else at the Japanese course. And that the Japanese course will be good anyway, without anyone. It's just that any attempt to get closer to the thing ive been looking for so long now always turns out to be futile. The only exception is Belle and I'm grateful for that. But I cant even talk about anything with her either let alone touch her in any form.

Right now I feel like I just want to disappear in some obscure corner of the world where nobody will find me. I'll just spend my life there without going through all this trouble, because it doesnt change much anyway. "It doesnt matter if you are lonely and spend your entire youth that way. There is a possibility you will find someone at 40 or something. See, no problem! Now stop complaining thats unattractive." And then they say how silly men are for not talking about our feelings, when everybody just acts like our problems arent real or are too uncomfortable to hear about them. "Men who want some woman to magically appear in their life and fix their problems are so pathetic!" We dont expect them to fix anything, except this terrible feeling that is caused by their absence.. And with that feeling come all these thoughts that you cant get out of your head. I just want things to be the way they are supposed to be. Where such a common thing as a gender doesnt lock your access to basic closeness to another person behind a dozen doors with ambiguous keys.

What I also thought about recently was porn and how it is basically the opposite of that force that is trying to keep things "traditional" and "proper". That force which is actually just pressing us into roles that dont fit a lot of us. Sure there is porn that shows these kind of roles. They arent the same though. They are supercharged and hightened to a point where you can see their inherent sillyness. How everything is just an act meant to fulfill the desire of somone or other. And if you are not happy with one act you can take on a different role. Be a dominan or just straight forward woman for example. I dont just think about the usual porn videos here. Those too, but they are largely standardized. I'm also talking about smut stories, rule 34, fanfiction, hentai and the like where the common rules just fly out of the window and every kink every desire is on full display even if they contradict the laws of reality. Somewhere I once read that masturbation is a form of group sex that millions of people perform at the same time. They share their fantasies and with it their conciousness. Somewhere somone has a wild fetish about getting ravaged while being strapped to a conveyor belt or whatever else. And someplace else someone else is imagining themselves as the one doing the ravaging. Porn is the manifestation of this connection. We share our happiness and other than on social media it doesnt make people miserable about what they dont have, it makes us join in too. Some people say that porn causes loneliness, but I think its an escape from loneliness and therefore at least partially caused by it. Others think that porn inspires unrealistic expectations or violence. Thats highly debatable, but I see violent depictions as a form of limitless creativity. People do fanatasize about these things and thats why they are depicted. Locking these desires away is the worse way of dealing with them. At least for me when I see depictions of happy sex or even not so happy sex, I feel understood and accepted. Here is a depiction of something you crave and thats ok. whatever it is you are still a person and part of this community that is free to access and has people similar to you. We dont have those doors. Lets just think freely about the things that make up sexuality. And the importance of consent is one of the basic principles of this or else it wouldnt be a free community.

Just thought of something to piss off goody good conservative people. I'm sad and angry so the gloves are off 😈:

Porn is like Jesus

It intentionally exposes itself to the people who hate it and want to kill it. They have the same sexual "sins" as everybody else but choose to make themselves look more ethical by going after an easy target like porn. But porn is still there for them even if they have forsaken it. It still forgives them and opens up its arms when they are alone and unwatched. For noone is without sin.

Blessings

2020's Dear Diary