September 25, 2019

My xhusband has my two oldest girls...  Our twooldest girls...  I made some really bad choices in my past and I choose drugs over being a mother...  A decision I regret every day of my noe sober life...  Even being clean over a year an a half...  Doesn't change what I did... I have a no contact order with them.  I'm not allowed to ask how they are...  I'm not allowed to see pictures... Well I'm not allowed to ask for pictures... I have to pay child support every month...  Which I'm okay with the child support I just meant I have to pay it...  But it hurts... And him messaging me to asking questions it just brings everything in the forefront of my mind...  My thoughts... I get it...  I have to love with it...   I fucked up... They deserve better then what I became... I just hope that one day...  When they finally come to me angry because I know they will be...  An I don't blame them... I'm angry with myself...  I know I'll already be able to prove to them how far I've come since my addiction...  The road to recovery I've taken...  That I've become a better person and I've grown from it... That I will never be that person anymore...  That I didn't let the addicion beat me...  I beat my addiction...  

And maybe...  Just maybe when that day comes...  The process of forgiveness an healing might begin...