September 25, 2019

A false sense of hope

Everytime I lay in his arms...  A False sense of hope overcomes me...  My heart hurts...  Because all I can think about is what might have been...  O feel a little more of me died inside because I allow myself to feel the false hope of the comfort it brings...  Of the happiness I feel...  The peaceful serenity my soul urns for when I'm in his arms...  I don't wanna leave the warmth but I don't wanna get lost in the falseness I know it's bringing me...  It's an internal struggle... A battle I know I've already lost because I know I'd rather be in his arms an feel that falls hope...  Even get my hopes up an go thru the pain it's going to bring me in the end...  Then try an fight it n slowly go thru the pain now...  

So the question is hurt now...  Or suffer horrible pain later when he does finally leave an suffer alone ... 

As if I haven't learned yet at all..   I knew the answer before I could even ask it...  I'd rather take the false hope now an suffer even more...  Later after his left when I'm alone...  An no one can hear me screaming from NY soul in pain...  Because I'm a gluten for punishment...  Because this time...  It was my fault...  This time I know what I'm gonna lose in the end...  And I'd rather have as the saying goes.. Loved an lost..  Then to not have loved at all...