September 23, 2019

Hiding again

I feel like I'm starting back on the same cycle of hiding behind the facaed again...  Behind the mask I'm so good at putting on an covering up my internal scars with... And that's the opposite of what in trying to accomplish for myself... Yes some things I'm getting back into the hamd of doing again...  But when it comes to laughing and joking...  I realize no one gives a duck that I might just need to lay there an cry an have someone for once tell me it's okay...  That I'm overwhelmed and I'm scared an I'm stressed an I'm seriously considering doing things I don't wanna do to earn the cash I need to to come up with money for rent an other things because as hard as I have been trying I am having a problem finding a job...  

So I've realized the last couple days I've been putting my mask back on and burring my emotions my feelings... Like I've always done... 

It's hardest hen he ants me to cuddle to be in his arms because I have that part of me that says yes Sara there's still a chance am the other part of me that wakes me up to reality an reminds me that there is no future no matter how hard u try not matter how much better you get for yourself...  Your still doing this for yourself like you've always done so don't get your hopes up...  Your going to be alone like you've always been...  You've survived this long an you've come so far...  You'll make it out of this like you always do...  U may be a little more broken on the inside an u may give up on love competly but you will be stronger... And let's face it sara..  Where has love honestly gotten you in life...  Beaten broken...  Scared...  You let them brake you as ell as you broke yourself over it...  

So I guess for now I'll hide behind my mask until I figure out how to take it off an be the real me..  Or till I have the confidence and the courage to...  Because it's not orth fighting anymore...  And even if I'm faking it it's not like anyone can tell or cares enough to tell anyway...