Anyways, this week was chill mostly. Did most of what I set out to do.
I recently got into Vance joy. He's a good singer. I like his voice. Riptide is a great song to sing along with. That's kind of weird considering that I don't like 90% of the new gen singers. The remaining 10%are like Vance who I'm probably yet to discover.
Went out for coffee with siri in the evening. She's a great person, I learn a lot from talking to her. I feel most of the time that life has not been fair to her. She deserves better. The dinner incident with her last week taught me that there's lots of good people on earth and I shouldn't lose faith in humanity. I've been wanting to get it off my chest for some time...So here goes. ...
The other day, I asked if she wanted get dinner with me outside. But she was already outside with someone. So she asked if she could make it on Saturday. I said alright and that was the end of the convo.
I didnt think she'd remember it on Saturday. I thought she simply said it to end the convo smoothly. So on the day,I got my dinner and finished everything. Then around 8 pm she hurriedly turned up in front of my room and asked,"am I late?, You ready to go?"
I didn't know what to say. I was mumbling to find excuses to say I was already done with dinner. I was embarrassed . she had left work early to make it to the dinner. Anyway I apologised for the whole thing and sponsored dinner the next evening. We had a great time outside.
But whenever I think about the incident, my skin crawls and I feel embarrassed for not believing her words.
I wasn't always like this. I was the one turning up early for everything. I was the one keeping my word on everything I promised. And when I turned up at the right time at the door, people would always look confused, like wait,what...I thought we were joking.
The same has happened in reverse also, people make promises all the time to sound idk, goody goody when making conversations or whatever and then they go around like they didn't say anything. And I'd be the dumb one, going out of the way, to make up time for whatever they planned.The worse thing is they expect, you'd also understand that they're saying it for nothing and play along with the convo.
I don't why people do that, play with words. Before this incident, there was never a time, when I said something ,and I failed to keep my promise. If I can't do something, I simply won't say it. I always chose my words carefully. Because promises are not things you play with. People's time and energy have value. Sometime back, I used to think this is the attitude of the people in my country. That it's their problem and not mine.
Then I changed my mind and,I thought maybe I was autistic. I thought I didn't know how to act in social situations and how to play along in a crowd. I thought it was part of conversations that you say silly empty things and leave them there. I thought I was the retard for taking words seriously. I've seen people on both sides of the convo do this effortlessly and no one has an issue. So I also decided to be like that. If someone says, 'yeah sure let's do that' , I'll just say haha and laugh it off. ... I was kind of getting good at it, when this incident happened.
Siri turned up at my door,and said, 'yeah, I told you I'd come for dinner with you on Saturday,right so I came.'
...".stupid excuses from me"...
"Yeah, it's alright m. I understand. It's fine. No probs. We'll go out another time. I made a promise to you right , so I came"
Seeing the conviction in her voice, I wanted to drill myself into the ground out of embarrassment.
.."more shitty excuses from me"...
I think the real reason I felt bad was Because I know what it feels like to be in her shoes. I used to be that person who stayed true to her words, and then getting the weird look from other's faces, and I knew what they were thinking...'like,wait, what,...I thought you didn't mean it,. I didn't think you'd turn up. ...Blah blah.'
The other day, an interior designer phoned me up and were interested in our products.. So I set up a meeting for her, got everything ready.when she didn't turn up for the meeting,I phoned her, She said, sorry I can't make it. I had a very important meeting today. Why couldn't she inform this earlier. ? She postponed the meeting twice and everytime she did, she spoke with such casual tone in her voice that I just couldn't understand why she took her work so carelessly. I was shocked.
....Simply saying things for the sake of saying things ..... She wasted so much of our time and energy.
Be it work or personal life, I don't know why people do this. Saying empty words. If they don't mean it,why say it?
I hated it for the longest time. More than that I hated myself for not having rhe sensibility to understand when people were being serious and when they were joking.
I blamed it on my social awkwardness. But I now I don't think it was my fault. Because if it were, would siri have turned up right on time to meet me?...
I tear up every time I think about the incident.
I feel ashamed, because I doubted myself and forced myself to become like everyone 'normal' I saw around me.
I feel happy because for once, someone made a promise and they kept it.
I am happy that I was wrong about myself. There's nothing wrong with me for expecting people to keep their words. And I shouldn't change myself to fit in with how the 'normal' people act around me. I also promised myself, regardless of what I find other people behave with me, I'll always stay true to my words.
If I make a promise, I'll keep it.