April 22, 2019
Wow, you can actually erase "
Dear Diary,
" but I guess theres no reason for that, huh?
I wouldn't say I've never felt that bad before, but it's definitely the worst of that kind of feeling. I've never freaked out so much about studying biology and writing an assignment. It was pretty fucking bad, especially considering that I was doing okay the week before. I was exhausted after the tests and I got sick, but I've had more than a week to recover without school. And I have virtually done nothing of worth. And I realize that, and instead of doing anything, I freaked out. I was crying, curling up in the corner of my bed, hiding from the world under my blanket. I had to go outside twice this weekend, and both times it was just horrible. I had to hold back the tears to not cry in front of my parents and sister.
I don't know what was going on with me, normally I don't react like that, especially when the situation is so unthreatening. But the sun was so hot and the people so... I don't even know what ticked me of about the people. Just them being there and knowing, that I had to stand there for over 20 minutes because the priest was late; that I couldn't get away or let the tears flow because of social pressure or something.
I'm a bit better now, but I still feel like my heart is beating to fast and that I can't get quite enough air. I actually could get some studying done, but it's not nearly enough. And I still have to write the assignment, and I don't evem know how to start it.
The thing is, I know it's going to work out somehow. I seem physically not able to not do my homework, and I know that my teacher's going to like it for whatever reason. I can't not study for this test. But it stresses me out every time, and I just wish it didn't have to be like this. And I know that there's got to be something wrong with me because if everyone's standard reaction to studying is curling up in panic in their bed, nothing would get done ever.
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