Dear Diary,
I believe life's all about hits and misses. Some you hit right on the head, some you miss large. But I think if you keep trying enough, eventually you'll hit a sweet spot at least once and that could be enough to give you contentment in life. These days I try to keep myself as positive as I can.
Everyday I'm trying to experiment with new things, learn something I didn't know the day before, be a better person than I was 24 hrs before. Yesterday I felt like I didn't give my 100 percent for something I put my mind to, but in the end I came out learning a lot lot of things I didn't know before. I guess I should thank deeksha for it. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should reorder my priorities. But it's just a feeling in my head. My heart knows I'm not regretting anything. No matter what activity I'm investing my time on,I know I'm learning, each of these little experiences will help me answer the question,'who are you're or 'what do you want to do with your life' a little better, and clearer. I'm glad for that.
I brought a bunch of my old diaries back from home. They seemed to be arranged among a stack of books in one of the cupboards. Idk if mom/dad read them while rearranging stuff. Yikes. Dad's the book arranging person.maybe he read them. But I wouldn't know. No matter what he finds in it, he'll behave the same way with me,like nothing happened. Nothing would change.Trying to get a reaction out of him is next to impossible. Idk if it's good or bad. I skimmed through the diaries. There was a lot of drivel in it but in the end I felt like I'm dealing with the same problems in my head that I faced 10 years ago. The problems in my head have not changed. I think it's bad I'm stuck in the same place. I'm going to do everything I can in the coming future to make things different.
Be happy. Be hopeful. Never lose faith in humanity. Good things are out there. Maybe it may be dark in front of me now or in the coming future. Idk. But I'll never lose hope. I'll always be nice to people and i'll work hard.
Maybe I'll find success at 75 , meet honest loving friends in my retirement home,....Or maybe I'll die without any of these. it's ok. I'll try my best to find happiness in the attempt of finding these things. Fuck what ends up happening or not happening.
I know I almost gave up some days back. I burst out. I am not proud of it,but I'm not ashamed too. I knew it was coming one of these days. But since then I've introspected a lot and decided that I'm not going to give up that easily. Not on my fellow humans,not on my ambitions.
I'm going to hold up as long as I can. And I'm going to try my best to be positive as much as I can. Me no buddha.
Hope and life. Aren't they both stunningly beautiful?