Dear Diary,
I dont want to have regrets in life.
One thing i dont want to have is regrets. Every time i do something i analyse in my mind if i may have to regret for this, yet many times even when i know i may have to regret for it, I DO THAT.
I cant say no :( .I think maybe because i dont want to be selfish, i know that every one is, thats how animals have to be, but i dont want to be... I have a different perception of the world.
So if somebody ask me for help and even though i know that it's a stupid thing, i dont feel like telling him because i think he too has the right to do mistakes and learn from them himself, and he might as well be right, but i am nobody to tell someone/anyone that he is wrong, i have no right to tell that to anyone...
Anyway, I think I am not managing my money properly. Despite being a marwadi, i do not give money much of an importance. I dont keep any records or something, not even a wallet app in my mobile, when i have atleast 10 apps for meditation, which i do only a couple of times a month =D. But also on other hand i don't want to give money so much importance, because i know people who are very rich, because they care about money, they dont do bad investments but also they dont help poor friends and they dont support their weak brothers or sisters(they think their family is limited to their wife and kids). They think poor people are poor because they are not as smart as them or they are lazy ass because had, they been smart and hard working they would have earned money like them, They dont like people with no money.. But they are also not very happy, they are almost always worried and live their entire life in a loop and always thinking that money is the measure of success and meaning of life... I dont want to be like those people...
I also know few poor people, they are very sad oftentimes, almost all the time, because they see rich people and feel inferior, they are always dreaming small things, which often they never achieve.
Few humble ones do help each other though maybe because they think by helping they may have a better life in next birth or something. But often they dont have enough dough to help others.
They believe so much in luck as a magical thing or something to do with the stars and they believe god is in temples/churches etc and they would believe any fucking artist who tells them god wants to help you and uplift you and he can help with that, because he is the goddam messanger or some relative of the god himself...
Anyway, enough of this bash.. =D. I think i am just angry with myself, I dont know what i want to become, always helping someone or be selfish about everything, I am not able to stand in the middle ground, it becomes difficult and disappointing sometimes. I mean People cheated with me, and i know that people are selfish and i am cool with that, i know we are all just animals after all and we are strongest species on earth today not by being kind to everything but being selfish and brutal to everything else on earth. So I let it go and forgive everything but then sometimes helping someone hurts me...
Or maybe this whole thing is not about the side effects of helping but maybe i am angry for something else... Maybe because of money, i did few bad investments, lost a lot of money, although money isnt exactly the only measure of success for me, but it took me a lot of time to earn that, and time is an expensive thing i know that very well. So i lost my time, thats what i bewail...
But i think i have to keep going, and just remember my mistakes and learn from them. After all this is also one thing i am earning in my life, the experience...
Good night... :)