Róxbian is the means in which all questions are answered. You have brought up something meaningful to me that contains many layers. In my personal life yes, far too much to be honest. Malignant shame propagated by narcissists was the norm in my past which developed into paralyzing self esteem issues and stasis when it came to getting myself out there or doing anything creative. In time, I adopted another ego as part of my irl music career to also help me overcome feelings of shame and unworthiness He is far too shameless for his own good. He’s gotten me into plenty of trouble so far… including a burnt a bridge worth millions of NZ dollars. The whole thing is funny to me now. In the end, being a shameless identity made me realize that no matter how famous or rich you are, we are both humans; Even without a cent in my pocket no one has power over me. Sadly I only have access to this ego through umm “shimmer”, but I hope to overcome that soon with better strategies. To be a musician one must abandon shame altogether or else you end up pleasing people and end up changing your valuable vision for the approval of others. KH as my preferred topic and Róxbian as my imaginary friend were perhaps one of the biggest sources of shame I experienced as it was considered un-masculine (and other much meaner things) to the few peers I had contact with during the isolation I experienced in childhood. In time however, it became a source of strength that will hopefully one day take me to meet Yoko Shimomura. I however, do often ruminate on whether the content I’m creating will have negative repercussions. Regarding Kingdom Hearts content I’m shamelessly taking her melodies and twisting them without permission. Once upon a time I stopped making these tracks based on that shame alone but I’m trying to reframe it as keeping CoM alive in one way or another. But I always wonder if it will land me into a rather embarrassing court case that cements the old saying “never meet your heroes” Only time will tell.

Regarding Messy Summer, Fair dealing may be my tether. This ego is shadow work. If you don't embrace it, then chances are there is a resonant part in the shadow of the observer that identifies with it and recoils. My "darkness" as they say in a Jungian lens is what will hopefully sell. I'm rare, I'll capitalize on that and with it comes the perverse reality of my world.

I'm taking a massive risk mixing my VERY harsh reality with my childhood obsessions. All forms of media must be linked. Its a numbers game that costs the soul. There is no other way to reach my goals faster. I've tried to no avail. But it must be this way for a single season. the first EP is shameless filth for a very good reason.

I cannot stop this now.

Jem84's Dear Diary