The most heart-wrenching thing that will always stay in my ever-wandering thoughts is that whenever I miss my Mom, I cannot personally share it with my Dad. I already cannot share it with the only one whom I have most of my memories with her.

By the 18th, it would mark the 6th year of her death. Time flies so fast but why does the pain that lingers in my heart stay as it is? Why did people around me move on quickly? Did Dad ever think of my feelings as he started another family?

Am I still not mature enough to welcome acceptance? Am I just depressed to have these flickering uncertainties?

At the age of 22, I expected that I would be okay as some say that age comes with emotional maturity. However, what I see is still an insecure, people-pleaser who still doesn't know shit. I don't think this will ever change.

Why am I always at the center of all things? Why do I have no one to lean on? Why do I have no one to rely on every time I feel vulnerable? Why do I always say that I will be fine on my own?

Above all these things, I want someone to notice that I do feel lonely. I feel tired of answering your shits and saying I'm fine. Because I have come to realize that what I built for myself is not multiple films of resistance but negligence. I have been neglecting myself on giving time to heal my emotional wounds and traumas. I have been stubborn and a fool to think that I could adjust to everything but it turned out that I didn't.

Look what it got me. The passionate girl that I once was became a helpless little fool with poor decisions in life. I'm aware of the fact that I already don't give my all anymore. The expectations that people instilled upon me suddenly became so overwhelming to the point that I wanted to lock myself somewhere far away feeling like my existence was nothing but a burden.

And again, this ends with more suicidal thoughts. I'm sorry, me.

Haze's Dear Diary