14 January 2021

Well, it's a new year for the world and we are 14 days into this mess. So, what have I decided to do? Start to try and journal publicly. Maybe, I'm just feeling alone or lost right now, or maybe I just want to talk. I honestly haven't really been feeling myself these last couple of weeks. I've gone back to a dark place and I can't figure out how to crawl out of it. I thought my anxiety was getting better, I wasn't feeling like I would need my medication for much longer, but ever since the incident that went down on Tuesday morning, I officially cracked.

What happened was a lot of things. I've been completely stressed out between trying to keep my family afloat and happy, keep my mental health from tanking (something clearly I wasn't successful at), doing my best at my job, preparing for a huge move, and awaiting the unknown. To say the least, my glass was filled to the top for what I've been able to handle.

Tuesday, I was sent over to what should have been a simple volunteer event, but was actually some horrible under the table deal with my job where this group would have us WORKING for them for 6 months. 6 months I didn't have under my belt, attempting to learn a new job while maintaining my job, my family, my load of work that needed to get done. I buckled...I buckled hard.

For the second time in my life as the briefing was being given to us on that Tuesday morning, I found myself standing on the edge of a deep dark bottomless pit. Then, like that I was saved from it. I was pulled from the 6 month long event and thrown back into my normal schedule and job. Granted, when I walked back to the office I ended up running with tears in my eyes to the closet and having a panic attack that include a lot of crying, inability to breath, racing thoughts, hallucinations of the shadows and voices, the inevitability that I was dying or at least my heart was going to pound out of my chest, I couldn't move, I couldn't think, all I could do was gasp for air and repeat "please, please make it stop."

Then, for the first time in my life...at the edge of that pit...I fell in. I was saved from a great add on of stress and pain, but yet I still fell into this darkness.

My glass overflowed and now I'm sitting here hating myself and everything that I am and for what? I honestly don't know. My anxiety worsened again sending me into this spiral of off again on again panic attacks, my narcolepsy seems to have worsened I don't know maybe it's all in my head, the voices and shadows won't stop, the nausea is back, the dizziness won't stop, I have no need to do anything, I don't have friends, I don't know what to do.

I'm trapped. I'm lost. All I care to do is lay on the couch or on the ground and just be left there, but if I do that my thoughts never stop. They keep going, endlessly, worsening. I'll keep fighting. I'm a fighter, but this is the hardest battle I've ever faced and I don't know what to do.

Passion Flower's Dear Diary