Wise One,

Existential nihilism has been getting the better of me these days, which is probably why the urge to write to you again has come back.

I understand the benefits the philosophy of nihilism has to offer, the idea that nothing matters nor does it have meaning. While many find it depressing, it can actually be quite liberating. For example, when you think about how there are so many people in the world, most will never know you exist. Instead they are focused on their own livelihood, and the things that matter to them. No matter what choices you make they will continue to live their lives, and time will go on.

While many find this sad, I find it takes a way so much pressure, especially in the world of social media. The world will not end if I fail my diet, or am too exhausted to work out. Time will not stop just because I'm not working the "right job", wearing the "right clothes", or developing the "right skills". Yet, when we see so many "perfect people" on social media preaching about "what matters" it's easy to give in and forget that most of what is online is not genuine. It is a facade of what that person believes to be ideal instead of an accurate representation of who they are.

If nothing really matters, neither does my weight, fashion sense, acne, or hairstyle. What people think of my hobbies, interest, or relationships do not matter. The fact that nothing matters means that I get to chose what matters to me.

For example, if I chose to play video games many will call it a waste of time. After all, they do not provide tangible skills, or occupational benefits. However, if nothing matters, then why would it matter if I chose to waste time this way? If games give me a sense of accomplishment (even if it is false), enjoyment, and a break from stress is it really a waste of time? Instead, I value the time I spend in these virtual worlds, which makes it matter to me. However, I am not so attached that I am unable to go without it because I know it does not matter.

I value my health, so I do my best to eat well and exercise. I value my skin, so I wash it and apply various lotions and serums to my face and body. I value my pets so I ensure they have good quality food, fresh water, and a clean environment. I value my husband, so I do my best to ensure he feels love and support from our relationship. I know that because I value them, they matter to me.

Yet, lately I have been struggling with the question of "what's the point?"

When it comes to my husband and pets, I never question it as they are far to important. Yet when it comes to myself, I sometimes wonder, what is the point of trying to be healthy if I am going to die one day anyways? Why not just eat whatever is pleasurable? Why even workout when it is so uncomfortable? Why not avoid any form of discomfort? Who cares if skin care makes my skin feel good, it will not prevent aging, nor does my complexion make me beautiful or ugly. Besides it is tedious expensive and boring. What's the point of enjoying a game, book, or tv show? I'll still be at home when it is done, nothing changing but the time and date. If nothing matters, what's the point of doing anything at all?

The thing is, deep down, I want to be important. I think everyone has these desires to become "somebody", have a meaningful impact on the world, or create a legacy. However, I don't actually want the fame or recognition that comes with it, I like being "anonymous". I just can't shake the feeling that unless I somehow find a way to create a massive or lasting meaningful impact on the world, there is no point to anything I do. I'm simply existing, being a leech to the earth. Though these thoughts were always there, I can't deny the spread of Covid-19 and the subsequent stay at home orders have amplified them like crazy.

Now that I am taking the time to write these thoughts to you I am noticing part of the problem. I'm seeking some form of external validation to justify what could be called "self-care". I shouldn't need to be important to treat myself in a healthy way or to enjoy life. The fact that I never question the care I give my pets or spouse, yet question it for myself may also indicate that I do not put enough value in myself. Wise one, perhaps you are guiding me to another lesson...perhaps I need to spend time working on my self esteem rather than asking "what is the point".

Minnada's Dear Diary