Dear Diary, I went to see Dear Evan Hansen today. It was 9am. Surprise. It made me emotionally exhausted mmm

I connected personally things to the film while I watched it. Because, you know, the protagonist writes letter to himself just like me writing diary. also he was lonely and had medication just like me. Well, not just like me. He was in worse condition than me. But he has future as a student ahead of him, not like me. He has time. Well I know this time the protagonist was not a real person…

My emotion was peeled off and was very honest. I was thinking I was hoping help from my family outside of my room door when I struggled to step out. I believed they didn’t want to see me while I can’t smile because you know, my mom is almost always annoyed when I show up late and have sad face or down to the floor. She doesn’t like me when I really need help mentally. That’s no one’s fault or at least not hers but mine. (Yep I am selfish and childish like a baby. )(don’t emotionally escape from my problem by bullying myself. I am doing this again) I was complaining about myself in my bed all day during the summer break. I hated myself complaining my family not coming to check if I was okay. But my self esteem was low enough to assume I am not enough to ask for help so I have to wait. And yet I somehow still believed they care about me. So that’s why my emotion was tangled. I had been tended to hide negative feeling in me since when I was little. I didn’t know how to say no how to bent, how to ask for help especially emotionally. My parents, on the other hand, they assumed I didn’t want to see them.

Umm The protagonist had also no one to help him when he seriously needed it. His lie was actually his wish. It was painful to watch. I couldn’t hold tears many times.

Hmmm tomorrow is gonnay be a exciting day.

MadMan's Dear Diary