Dear Diary,

I wonder did he notice me first? Did he use the law of attraction on me.

Did he think I was cute and I was thinking he was cute.

I did try 11 years ago, to be his girlfriend. But it failed.

I don’t really know thinking back to those days why we just couldn’t quite make it happen we seemed so close yet so far away. Our connection is always romantic by design. The moon always big red and full, the nights always pushing us closer together, the drugs always playing a factor too of course like being on the same wave length were we just get each other. I know for sure we’re little bit more than friends. And you’d have to be fucking someone else at the same time for it not to be real and growing. He says he’s not seeing anyone else, and hopefully I don’t give him the time. I bet any girl would more than take their chance with him. He is very beautiful.

With moss green eyes, dark thick lashes, pale moonlight skin and a tummy rumbling laugh.

I bet he thinks I’m beautiful too. Unearthly, ethereal, soft and ever so gentle. More gentle than caresses of the kisses from the wind. Well I am special in my own way. You could drown in my midnight ocean eyes, light brown hair, tan coloured skin. But I can’t tell you what I am or who I am for that matter. Shhh! But it’s okay to be different! But lately these last few years I feel alienated from the government! Like being locked in mental wards! Being told to take lots of medicine pills! Talk about things like if I’m wanting to kill my self every appointment! To be diagnosed with a life long illness! To be medicated to not be you, being told to stop doing what I’m doing and stop what I’m thinking! Ah, I don’t know. I just have to nod my head and say okay. You can’t fight with the government. You just have to do what your told. And I’m finding out the government is every where. All connected. It’s caused stress on my family. All over drugs. Well I’ve never fit in. And I was young and wanted to experience the whole of life. I wanted to feel good. I would get drunk just by going outside into the night time air.

I knew of weed because my dad did it. Friends stayed at school. I never really invited any back. Why would I invite a girl to sleep over. I’m not gay.

And boys weren’t particularly aloud over either. So I never asked. With the rare occasion of me going to hang out at the local park with my school friends we try to make it as fun as possible. So we would steal. From our parents secret stashes. Alcohol and weed and smokes most usually. Just what we could sneak really and then we would meet up and sit in a moon sisters circle and roll joints, swig vodka and feel safe here on earth. We would laugh and tell stories. So yeah, in high school I didn’t know anyone, the school was too big. So I would walk the hallways humming some tune in my head. Not being missed in class not wanted by anyone to stay. So I would just start making my way home by bus. I would just walk straight out not one single person cared. So I swapped schools trying to find myself. Maybe I thought I could just try hard on grades at my second school, I enjoyed drama classes and English because we got to write a lot down in our books.

But that school lead to me being totally targeted for no reason and got bashed. I did even become but aggressive after that thinking I was a fighter even. So I tried to start a fight with this other girl. But it actually made me sad and after that I never did get violent again. Phew.

So I quit that school. All the while problems arose at home.

Mum and dad were splitting up.

I was utterly upset and blamed my mum.

Saying it’s her fault.

Trying my best to make her feel bad to take it back that she’ll regret it. So dad ended up being homeless living in his car for a bit and me and mum and my other dog (r.i.p) moved to this place by the bay area. Dad ended up settling at my brothers girlfriends mums place.

And guess what.. yep!

Ew.

They totally did it.

And started a relationship. My brother tried to fight my dad not understanding. He didn’t want it to be weird between him and his gf. I guess like bro and sis kinda vibes I’m totally guessing I never like fully asked him ah no way. Our house was littler than our other houses. And it was yellow with a fence and a tree at the front. I started going through teenage hormones hardcore and was starting another new school. Great the new girl. Again. But once again I never understood the dynamics of school and was once again wandering the hallways while class was on. No one would approach me. No one asked me to sit with them. Lunch times made me nervous.

So now I was lost in this big school not knowing what building was what.

No one arose their care that I wasn’t attending. So I wandered home. Again and again. Every day I would try to go to class but always yeah got lost. Sometimes I would just sit with a group of girls and act like normal about it. They did not seem to oblige my presence so yeah I made it my group. They eventually warmed up to me but not best friends basis. Yeah I did go to a few parties but they were kind of lame with no alcohol. And I would puff a random spliff some of the times. I missed my dad.

i did come across this boy who was smoking. and i did befriend him. the only person who actually was a friend. he was. nice and talked to me.

i would use my lunch money to buy smokes off him. and then eventually he asked me over his house to have night time puffs of his bong with a $25 baggie of weed, we would take turns staring into each-other eyes as they got redder and redder we would giggle. and then i wanted to do it at my house by my self

so i could have it when i wanted ya know? so he said this boys name and took me there. i met him. he didnt only sell weed. this new guy had a garage and in it was full of dudes all smoking meth drinking alcohol and puffing on bongs. they were the older boys.

about 5 years difference. on their casual and usual rotation its was my turn to get high. i light it and sucked in and got high. nothing like angel dust. but thats another thing i cant go into as its totally a secret.

Ahh, anyways.

So yeah, him and me reconnected again only like two weeks ago. And I’m back into doing meth is what I was trying to say. I still have appointments with mental health they are asking for blood tests but not to check if I’m doing drugs so weird they are trying to medicate me under treatment authority which means by law I have to take my tablets and have my needle monthly. They call my diagnosis, schizophrenia. Dude, just no. I’m absolutely not. Friggen hell.. like they are trying to fix my body? And fix my mind? That’s an insult to my Beautiful creator parents who made me just fine! But like I said you can’t fight with the government. Like - is having normal iron that much of a thing that by law I have to take it other wise I’m under arrest and police and ambulances come and take me away for the third time!

They want me to be normal, but what person are they trying to make me into if not myself. I know I’m playing with fire doing ice again under such heavy surveillance but like honestly it’s not that big of a deal of a drug. Anyways it’s 11:30pm and I was just writing to pass the time before he replies back. But nope!

Maybe tomorrow..

I’ll keep you updated.

Vemenice's Dear Diary