Dear Diary,

I'm pushing everyone away again—intentionally and unintentionally—so now they hate me. Even the guys who are interested in me. But I'm sure if I let them come too close, they' ll get burned and they will only leave me just like everyone else. Everyone has ugly sides but I think I have the ugliest among everyone that's why no one can ever love me whole. I even think my best friends are just tolerating my shit. They have other best friends who are so much better than me. (NP: jealousy, jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo)

While I was typing this, it made me realize something. Maybe the reason why I got so attached to my ex is because no matter how much I push him away, he doesn't leave. I was the one who always leaves but he always comes back as if I wasn't the one who just left him. And he misses me and couldn't stand a day without talking to me. For once, I felt so lovable, so worthy of someone's love. And I thought I've finally found someone who won't give up on me but I was wrong. I can't blame him 'cause people have their own limits. Maybe I just reached his that's why it was that easy for him to let go of me. I still talk to him but he's changed. He wasn't the man I once fell for. It's like his feelings were all a lie. (NP: Afterglow by Taylor Swift)

And so the same old thoughts—the ones I had before I dated my ex—started to linger in my head again: You're hard to love. Believe me, I'm trying to work on myself. I know I don't need to be perfect but I want to be enough. Of course, I don't want to tolerate my toxic traits. I want my relationships to be a safe haven for the ones I love and not another battlefield they need to fight in because of my toxic ass but I don't even know what to change or what issues I need to work on and fix. Or maybe I know and I'm just too stubborn. But in my defense, if I'm in that moment, if I get hurt, I can't help but push people away. But after I've cooled/calmed down, I apologize but I guess I still have to change that because I can't keep using that as an excuse to hurt people just because I'm hurt too. (NP: this is me trying by Taylor Swift again)

I guess for now, it's okay. I'm used to being alone anyway.

Moeq's Dear Diary