I've been unmotivated today. I woke up on time and had a lucid dream last night, so I thought I would want to do stuff, but it turns out I'm just as lazy as ever today. I hate wasting my life like this. I never commit to anything that I promise myself I will.
Things I haven't committed to but I wish I did:
- Exercising
- Learning Japanese
- Waking up at 4 AM
I need to really work on my commitment issues. I can't even commit to people. I cheat in every relationship that I've been in. Calvin and I only lasted 2 days. We still talk because I want to comfort him. He was so sad. I think he is still. He was going to come visit me in the fall.
Calvin thinks I only like mean people. That's his theory of why I don't like him. He really just annoys me. He reminds me of my step-father. Both of them spoil people way too much. I don't want to be spoiled and I don't want constant affection. I just want to be left alone 75% of the time. I don't like my time to be wasted by people that I don't care about. Sure, I may end up caring for Calvin eventually, but not if he keeps bugging me 24/7. Is that rude of me? I don't care if it is, actually.
Simon is being REALLY nice lately. It's no wonder I left Calvin for him. He's impossible to resist. I already loved him when I started dating Calvin though. I think part of the reason that I got with Calvin is because I wanted Simon to be jealous of our relationship. However, he was not jealous. He said he didn't care. I don't think that was a lie either. He did try to break up Calvin and I though. It was for the best. I'm probably not going to give Calvin another chance even though he thinks I am.
I'm going to stop rambling now. I got on the computer to start a workout program. I don't know how I ended up here honestly.