Dear Diary,

I have to admit this week has been a doozy. I have to admit that I am not one to get too involved about politics. I mean I care about our nation, inform myself, and vote like a good citizen. But I also don't let it run my entire life or influence my day to day. I do understand that it can be a way of life for some especially when your job is heavily effected by who is elected or your personal religious beliefs, etc. But I grew up in a household that was purple. My dad was red and mom blue. They went and voted each time canceling the other but did so just the same because they had the right to do so. They never fought while watching an election and they never made it an issue (or at least not in front of me even as an adult).

With that being said before the results were final I had already made the decision to put about 35 of my friends on mute for 30 days bc I knew regardless of the outcome I would see their rant of victory or defeat. And they have every right to express their opinion but I also have every right to not really want to read it and to not look at it for a bit.

But I have to say that it is so hard being me right now. I can't discuss my views on things comfortably with many people. So I just don't like to mention it and everyone else loves to mention it. I am not the type to unfriend someone who doesn't share my views bc when we get down to it we all have different ones.

To make things worse, my son decided to pick yesterday to be an attention-seeking question asking trouble maker. From the get go I woke up early after turning in early the night before. It started out sort of nice with us all going to get breakfast at McDonald's which is a huge rarity. After we went to Walmart where we had fun looking at all their new Christmas items and playing around with stuff while buying some necessities.

But once we returned home it was all downhill from there. My partner decided that it was the day to get out the Christmas decor. You would think this makes me happy but it doesn't.

The holidays have always given me anxiety out the ass. I hate a lot of things about them. Growing up I dispised anything that had to do my aunt and uncle on mom's side and my cousins. I loved them but they relentlessly would poke fun at me as a child and told their own kids not to be like me as a young adult~ IN FRONT OF ME. I really wasn't a bad kid. I did typical things you would expect a mid-90s kid to do that were rights of passage of that time. I wore jncos. I did wear a lot of black but not because I was particularly morbid or into Marilyn Manson. I have dark features and the color looks good on me. And they didn't let their kids wear any black and I mean no black shoes or belts or anything WTF. I listened to alternative rock (gasp!) There is a lot more to this I will probably elaborate on in later entries or make one gigantic one for.

But the jist of it all is my parents have passed away and they decided not to continue coming to see just me for holidays after my grandparents passed. My husband passed away too and for a while I was very lonely during the holidays. And a lot of people do not know the reality of what they feels like.

But now I have a family of my own. It's much better but also different. I was screwed out of my inheritance by my family and with that lost my childhood items including yearbooks, photos, and Christmas items. Including Christmas ornaments. My husband has ornaments from his childhood and throughout. I hate doing the tree all it does is remind me of how I don't have mine. And it gets me angry. Pair that with a curious 4 year old who wants to mess with all the delicate breakable ornaments and trinkets and you get one big anxiety ridden me.

Not only did he continuously do that but asked about a zillion annoying questions about anything and everything.

I get it he wants attention. But I can't be on all the time. Especially when this aspect of the holidays get me down.

It was nothing but a mess.

To top it all off we ordered some yummy pizza to cheer us all up and tried to pull the projector out to the front yard to watch a movie by the fire in the fire pit only to discover that the remote to it is now missing.

This got us all in a bad mood.

And we went to bed. My partner apologized the next day for being cranky and I did too. And yet the atmosphere lingers.

Tomorrow I get to clean up everyone's mess from the weekend. I was way too strong out last night to go back after everyone and straighten it all up. I DID however get all my assignments done for book reviews and posted them. And I got two new assignments from the same company today.

I just sincerely hope that tomorrow marks a new week and a better mood. If not someone please help me God because I might just tear my hair out and yell at the top of my lungs.

Just Me's Dear Diary