Dear Diary, well today I was at the cinema with Knight and her friends.

First we went to buy bubbletea, which we drank illegally during the movie and afterwards we went to eat korean food.

Maybe I should talk about the movie first before I start my usual selfpitying love tirades.

It was Tenet by Christopher Nolan and I liked it. Although it appealed to me more on an intellectual level than an emotional one. It has that very interesting concept about people and objects moving backwards in time, so everything they do happens backwards and you see the outcome of a situation before it happens. The cinematography and the dialogue was also excellent. The only fault was that I didn't feel for any of the characters. They were likable but also a bit bland. All in all a good experience.

Now back to my usual shtick.

First of all there was a trailer before the movie that hurt my heart. It was about a girl who is stuck in a timeloop on the day her childhood bestfriend and exboyfriend marries. She keeps crashing the weddimg because she wants him back, until she learns her lesson. There is also her roomate who she sleeps with and with whom she probably ends up with at the end. And she mentions that she was the one who took that childhood friends virginity.

I can not express how much the plot of this movie hurt me and I am probably one of the few people who would react to it that way. It was like it was meant to mock me.

It presents this woman who is really into this nice childhood friend and seems to be very eager to win him back. The movie presents this like it is a common reality. And here I am in the real world wishing that women like this would exist, who like their male friends enough they would fall in love with them. My childhood friends never did and neither do any of my current friends. Instead I have to gi through this terrible dating process which is almost impossible for me. This movie makes it seem so easy and it isn't. She even gives that roommate romantic attention. I know I probably sound like that "nice guy" trope, but everything would be so much easier if things would work that way. I could just start being friends with wome, one would fall in love with me and I wouldn't have to go through this hell. Is it really that way for other people? 😥

Anyway at the reastaurant, of course the coversation comes to relationships and of course all of them found their partners on freaking dating apps. This happens so often to me, everybody tells me how they found their partners on dating apps. Don't get me wrong, it's great that they found partners they are happy with. But hearing about all these people using dating apps succesfully makes me feel even more terrible about myself. I've been using these evil programs for years and I didn't even have a single date. I barely have any matches and those always lose interest in me quickly. I ask them questions about their lives, I give them compliments and am super nonjudgemental, everything I wish people would show me, but nobody cares about me. But apparently I'm the oooonly one. I swear it's because dating apps are all about drinking and travelling and other super common normal activities I don't do.

Knight was quiet as always during the whole day. We talked a bit at the beginning but she didn't seem very interested in me. I gave her my present, she liked it, but not as much as I had hoped, at least it seemed that way. The only thing interesting that happened with her, was that she contacted me though Whatsapp. We usually use Discord. I gave her my number a month ago for something else, but never thought she would use it.

But I have to see the truth. She doesnt care about me, just like all the other girls. All the things I thought were different about her, were illusions. She is a great girl, but she probably just talks to me to be nice.

Belle contacted me today too. Aked me how it went and how I felt. That was nice of her. She also wanted me to phone her on Whatsapp a lot to test some configurations. It was nice to help her, I really anjoy things like this. I'm glad she keeps contacting me. But she also is not interested romantically in me, I just feel it. This is how my life is.

Seriously that movie didn't even look that bad, but fuck it. I wish there was a movie that showed how things really are for people like me.

Gostgirl93's Dear Diary