don't adjust whatever device your reading on, it's viv, live and in typing ;)

my head is spinning and i couldn't write it down fast enough so i guess im here. Lets see why im spiraling today, haha

okay so like i just dont understand what even happened between me and T, it was SO good before we were dating, we shared so many things we talked about movies and books and music and school, and then i said i liked him. And then he asked me out. And then we 'Dated', but he wouldn't even hold my hand or kiss me, it was like he was ashamed of me, and im still so confused about what happened when i told him. well i told him about my SA and he told EVERYONE. i dont even know how to feel about that even now, because this happened in MAY and i still cant get over it. He betrayed me, he said i didnt trust him and that i was hiding things, and then he told EVERYONE. I thought i was a good girlfriend, i made time for him, i baked, i loved, i always checked up on him, but come to think of it, HE NEVER CHECKED UP ON ME. and it makes me so angry that i would ever settle for love like that, because well, I'm a Christian, and say what you want with that but Jesus died on a cross for me and T couldn't even check up on me, THATS RIDICULOUS MAN, and it makes me so SO angry, i cant even. class with T is so hard now, especially when i talk to guys near him, because we dont talk, he thinks were friends but i spent hours in the counselors office, crying, sobbing, choking on every word because of how he treated me, i had to leave classes, couldn't be near my locker cause his was there, i ran away from him because he hurt me THAT badly. and he thinks were friends. that feels like some sick freaking joke. i dont hold resentment towards him, i just think about it, and wonder why i would let myself stay in that kind of situation, and i know why, but still. just because i have empathy doesnt mean i can - or should - let myself be a doormat. ugh it just makes my heart hurt thinking about it, because i put all my love into everything and everyone i love, and it just sucks to be treated like crap. all i want is to be loved, and i know its ridiculous but im really jealous of my friend, N. she has the most fairytale relationship ever, same with S, and i love them but it makes me feel pathetic, that i just cant be like them and have that magical relationship. its almost like im destined to be alone on this earth, like im an unloveable - in relationship terms - person, and i guess at this point yeah, i am doomed for loneliness. sometimes i go to the pool, (i love to swim, i race competitively) and i just float, i just lay there, and i cry, or i swim my laps, my eyes brim with tears, and its embarassing to be that alone, that the one place i go is the pool. i dont have friends to go to when i feel it crumbling, they have their other friends, who notably dont like me, which is okay, they dont have to, but it sucks. i dont get invited to their parties or anything, im the most lame teenager ever. i study and swim, nothing else really. sometimes i wonder what its like to just be . . . gone? im not sure if thats what i mean, but you know, if i happened to be gone, would any of them even miss me?

sometimes i dont think anyone will ever miss me, and maybe its true.

but what would i know?

im just a dumb manipulative toxic bad friend homewrecking slut as they all say anyways.

my mind feels pretty empty now,

thanks for reading,

its vivs,

checking out.

See you in the next one :^

Humayra Himu's Dear Diary