April 26, 2026

If I can love the wrong one this much, just imagine when the right one shows up. If I can fight for that long for someone my heart knew was wrong… just wait till I find the right one.

Just wait till I find the right one…

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as I watched a reel on Instagram of a man singing this song. For a year, I believed Johannes was the right one for me. So strong was this belief that I felt it in my bones and spirit. When I heard the song for the first time, the joy of ecstasy filled my whole being, having finally found my destiny. Listening to it made me float in an indescribable happiness, the kind of happiness that seemed to come from the future—the future where I envisioned a life with him, for eternity—and in my voice, it whispered: “It’s perfect over here. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of. You’ll be here one day.” A naïve and deluded certainty it was, but in the ears of someone deeply in love, in her faith I found security, and in that perceived security, I felt a euphoric solace.

Now, listening to the same song that once swelled up my heart is like coming home to a ruined castle, the castle where our love and laughter used to live.

“Just imagine when the right one shows up..” I was brimming with blissful contentment, thinking he was it. Now, my heart sings a different line for him…

“If I can love the wrong one this much…”

Oh, but why? I loved him more than anyone else.. So much so that for the first time in my life, I saw a future ahead of me. A future that only existed with him.. Why did he have to turn into the "wrong one"?

If there is still the right one for me, he’ll eventually become wrong again. I will be abandoned once more, and…

Ugh ..

I'm just..

My heart is exhausted being always liked. Even loved. But never chosen.

April 26, 2025

An unpublished entry exactly one year ago today. I remember writing this with a bosom heavy with weight, extreme longing, and sadness… A year has passed, and I still share the same conviction I had back then, though now I read this with neutralised sentiments, bordering on indifference and deafening numbness.

What has changed?

In my life, nothing.

But in my heart… I fear what seemed to me so impossible in the past is slowly coming forth before my eyes. A faint light at the end of the tunnel, far in the distance, but a tangible distance nonetheless, no longer endless…

Each time I take a step back and reach out to the man who trampled on my heart, I set myself up to be ignored. Again. And again. And the more he ignores me, the more my heart turns back and takes two steps ahead. Involuntarily. Towards the light. The final ending.

On the way, I encountered a lonely guy. More broken than I am. More devastated and desperately in love, caused by the cruel hands of a woman he can’t have. What is he doing in my tunnel? Is he here to hold my hand and guide me through the dark?

He doesn’t know… And perhaps it’s not his intention… but he is lending a hand. And not just any hand, but one tainted with the same shade of melancholy as mine.

Strangely, with his presence, my heart is lighter. My smiles more genuine.

But cautiousness and dread, the sentinels protecting the convalescence of my heart, are holding my other hand, just in case…

In case ..

Is he leading me out, to give me a taste of sunshine, and… bring me to another path of desolation and darkness? One built by the same stupidity, delusion, and another set of empty words and broken promises?

“If there is still the right one for me, he’ll eventually become wrong again. I will be abandoned once more…”

But my dear, it is ever your propensity to think too much. To prepare for abandonment and rejection as a form of defense mechanism. The future hasn’t even been written yet, and you’re already awaiting for a tragic ending. You’ve known him for, like, what… a month? For now, he’s just a flashlight in human form. You don’t meet a wounded man in the dark and immediately need to decide whether he is your salvation, your lesson, or your next emotional crime scene. Sometimes a person is just… there. A companion on the road. Not destiny. Not disaster. Just company.

And frankly, that might be kinder.

He’s just a friend. You especially do not need to turn friendship into prophecy.

Pero, por Dios.. poco a poco me estoy encariñando más y más con él cada día ..