April 23, 2026

Dear Diary,

FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I fucked everything up, how fucking useless can I be!?

I shouldve kept my mouth shut about him missing our plans, it was stupid anyway. I shouldnt of said anything. I shouldnt of said how i felt at all. Im fucking pathetic and this shit is my fault. I shouldve kept my loud fucking mouth shut and be quiet. Im more tolerable when im quiet and agreeable anyway.

I shouldnt bring shit up anymore, ever. Itll be easier for everyone if I act like everything is fine all the time, even if its not. Its easier for everyone if i act sunshine and rainbows even if im on the verge of losing my mind, because who fucking cares!?- the only reason anyone ever says they like me anyway is because Im good at taking care of them, i literally havent ever heard a single other reason why anyone keeps me around other than I can make them feel better, its all im good for. At this point my only purpose in life is to make other people feel better, i should really start acting like it. I just feel like a burden when i speak up anyway.

I feel like such a shitty person for needing love or reassurance, I shouldnt need that shit anyway. My purpose is making other people feel loved and assured, what have i ever done to deserve the same? Do i even deserve the same? Have i ever? Do i deserve love period? Probably not. Im here to take care of people, and when im not good at it anymore im useless.

i feel so shitty and greedy just for craving love and assurance. i feel so greedy and angry with myself just for needing to feel loved because ive never heard any reason why i am. for months ive needed reassurance that im actually loved by the one person whos supposed to love me, and its all bubbling up to the surface now...i cant do this.