April 20, 2026

Dear Diary,

I looked into eating disorders today. All the online quizzes (from mental health services and organizations) say that i might. They said the most likely one is bulimia nervosa, which does make sense in a way. I've long suspected but never really thought that... there might be more things wrong with me than there already are. In the past month, my depression has gotten so much worse, despite my current medications and all the wonderful things i have going on. I've felt really strong urges to cut myself. They said that eating disorders can cause mental health to worsen.

I've just stopped caring about myself. My room is a mess; I have a pile of clothes that I don't know if it's clean or dirty, I've given up trying to keep up with skincare even though my dad is constantly giving me crap about my acne, and I hate to admit it - brushing my teeth is another thing I've had trouble with, despite the fact that I have naturally weak teeth and more cavities every year.

I struggled with binge eating for the past 6 or maybe more months. I've slowed down. I rarely eat in front of my friends, and subconsciously, I'm avoiding meals as much as I can, though it's becoming less subconscious recently. I've only eaten in private today. My family is downstairs eating pizza, but I couldn't join them. I don't get it. My dad packed my favorite food in my lunch today, and I couldn't bring myself to open it in the cafeteria, surrounded by all my friends who I know would support me. I'm hungry too. God, I'm fucking STARVING. What really scares me about all of this, is that I WANT the pain. Being hungry, its painful at first, but then when the pain goes away, it feels good. I think I am just looking for some control in my life when I don't eat for hours and hours.

The thing is, I've always been good at knowing when something is wrong and knowing that things NEED to change. But... I can't do it. I know i should probably get help, or at least tell the people who I trust, but I just can't. I overthink everything, and I'm overthinking all of this right now. What if I'm just being dramatic. I don't think I am, but that doesn't help. People have it SO much worse. Who am I to complain?

I left school early today because I was so nauseous. I know I'm not sick. It may be because I haven't eaten in a while, or because I stayed up till 3:30 am last night because I was watching Young Royals. It might be because I was so fucking nervous for my French test today. I did fail it, but I still have a 94 in that class. But it doesn't matter. I'm not taking it next year.

~L.