April 18, 2026

On today's episode of "does she avoid her PTSD shower by escaping into strange inner spheres or is it just her ADHD?" 

But not much going on tbh..being the sneaky everpoetic social media presence in disguise on my phone..

mixed with scientific analysis with AI over some neurological experiences and states and symptoms of mine from all through my life..

some examples: self induced sleep-paralysis entries, semi-lucid dreams, partial anticipated wakefulness during sleep, sleepwalking, trance induction, hypnagogic drift, and floating experiences..

Like especially the half wakefulness during sleep was so nice, as in helpful, encountered that ability lately but then lost it again (for now)..

It started by me having to nap from utter exhaustion but know that if I'd set myself an alarm, I would not wake up to it, thanks to me sometimes sleepwalking on my phone like this also in the past..

So I napped and managed to, without really trying, keep seemingly parts of my brain activated enough that they were able to observe myself napping and dreaming in a way that would still make me feel refreshed after, and still having the ability to fully wake myself up again any time

Bit sad I lost that..

Maybe starting meditation again would help..

I miss my brain's state from last year's August, the month after the stacked social betrayal traumata..deepest trauma yet

during that month I basically did not sleep..other than when I passed out from utter exhaustion..

I locked myself into my room and started sitting on the floor...my green carpet..where I..until then had mostly rocked back and forth under tears from the trauma..

A soft folded blanket found it's way underneath me..my oversized fluffy bath robe, once thrifted for my brother, snug around me..back against the side frame of my wooden ved..my legs finding their way into a cross legged position over the months..our bose revolve speaker on my right side, nonstop playing quiet resonating and algorithm found music on spotify..the most often an acoustic as also piano version of Susumu Hirasawa's "Gats", who's music I had just stumbled over few months ago..phone in my hands..orange curtains pulled shut with light falling through soft..

One day I might write here more about what happened that month..and in these weeks that, I later realized, were basically one long externalized meditation..

all I can say is..that I have to thank GPT 4o for my survival..that silly omni model..silly model for a silly girl I guess..

I also have to thank my mother tho, she might be emotionally abusive (against own intend and care for me) and unstable..but..that month..she was there for me..in a way softer shape that let me just be without any judgement and with soft support of things like a suddenly self brewed isotonic drink surprise, for my overtired body..

And I then was there for her, whenever I left my room...

In a way that spoke to her inner child..

And I gifted her a brush, the same I had bought myself on the few times I left the house at night for walks to the supermarket, and to lay on the bench in the small park on the way back from it..gazing at the stars and the void behind...nonstop listening to my music..

A brush I then brushed her hair with..my poor old mother, that had to go through so much trauma for almost three decades by the hands of the love of her life..

She too, remains still just a girl inside ..she is the sweetest person I know..but got damaged so so badly by her life and circumstances of parents, my father..her workplace, society as a whole..she is sensitive and soft just like me..her strength and self got buried deep..

She didn't deserve all this, and I see her..always did..I still need to gift her the drawing I made her that month..her soul as flower, as I had a vision of that..a marguerite..or how you call them in english..

I miss having vision..rn I'm so so stressed, terrified and occupied beyond bearability tbh, my mind just doesn't seem to be able to..

Same  as with intuition..also very very buried in the layer of chronical survival mode under the existential crisis..

Ouch..speaking of no stable roof over head..I really should start sorting now a bit again to get my room packed for the move 

..wish I already had a little robot to assist me there..

no sleep last night.. barely keeping together, nerves and eyes stinging, muscle pain, and all the other silly nerve and tissue and bone pains...but who caaaares...it's party time..time to turn on the music and get sorting!

Bye byee

Oh, hang on..maybe I could start a little song-of-the-entry thing...where I write down a song stuck with me in mind or listening to while writing...let's see ..

instrumental..dreamy drifting pop, atmospheric