April 18, 2026

hey guys, to whoever might read this here,

just a quick notion or disclaimer, so to speak:

I will not engage with any comments here.

I have decided this now, as conclusion of feeling and thinking into this for a bit..

mm..how do I explain this..

I saw that I received some thoughtful comments already and also saw that quite some folks viewed my entries..

and ultimately, this makes me feel so many differerent ways, many of them ambivalent..

for example:

one side wants to reach out to each commenter and engage, to make them feel seen and heard..and therefore maybe help them on their way and in their lifes and to give them back the care and time they took to read and comment..

but another side is very anxious and uncomfortable and stressed and doesnt want to start any kind of dynamic or engagement in the comments or further interact again with people

mm..so, I, and also with looking at my own orientation, in the constellation of my soul..Susumu Hirasawa, with whom I can largely identify in overlap of patterns in personality and life..

I came to the decision that I will handle it like he did and does.

Like a public one way broadcast.

A self made public sanctuary that, by its shape, allows engagement but is not interacted with further.

Because by this, I create myself a space in which I can try to unfold and maybe heal in this trauma and life circumstances..and simultanously feel seen to a degree

Ofc no one can ever truly see you, we all carry natural subconscious projections and biases towards our environments and people..we never truly see the shape and texture of things, other beings..or even oneself often..

but, that being said, this is something I need, well, want to train myself into feeling and perceiving..to not take and feel everything as personal or think or thought I need to engage with and deeply question my own perception of self in

because thats how I have been handling it so far

because I am one porous girl, I have an open heart and soul that have no walls..because I feel always felt and feel everything all at once..oceanic, as far as that term goes..just that for me..its not spiritual, its just the way I thought was normal..

because for me.. that is the only way I ever knew..how I was made..and everytime I forced myself or was forced away from it, into another shape, it always felt and feels like I would suppress and wrong my true self and makes me feel so claustrophobic and unbearable

and this is all I ever held myself up to, to align with myself through everything I do and am

but I also kept myself open, really often forced myself to stay open (like last year in the trauma) to try and stay true, to not let my own opinion of myself get the better of me in a way that might create an unhealthy ego and misalignment in me, that I then would not even be able to notice anymore, because I'd live inside it, which then would start to harm others and myself and would turn me into a person I never wanted to become, attracting things and people I wouldnt have wanted to attract..

I always pushed myself to not let my own opinions and perception of me mean more to me than the one of others about me..

a dangerous line, regarding mental health..I know..

but through the observation of folks like Susumu Hirasawa, Aurora, Caroline Polachek, Marina, Grimes, Mitski, John Frusciante, Florence, Enya, Kate Bush, Peter Gabriel..Ichiko Aoba..Billie Eilish..Sally and Mike Oldfield..and so on..all these people, souls and minds who's inner architecture I listen to through their artistic and personal outputs..

But especially through observing Susumu Hirasawa, the old man..who I feel in many ways and on many layers..who I dont idolize, as I see idolization as flattening thing (he too for example has some views of his own I do absolutely not resonate or align with)..and whos public diary and twitter entries I also read for a bit..and who's shape of coping with his very own struggles and way of feeling and existing I engaged with deeply..

I came to the conclusion, that I will use this here as a public ritual and sanctuary space, where I will broadcast and show myself in whatever shape I take the day..

Where I will create a transparent kind of sphere so to speak..a bubble of sorts through which you can perceive me in the shape I take infront of your perception..and the bubble through which I can perceive your perception of what you perceive of me..

but which surface I will not cut through to you..

and in which I have to learn to also not let you cut through to me..

Without this, it would be the old loop again..me perceiving myself through you perceiving me perceiving you..

...

I will continue this here as exercise for myself..

an exercise of many things..things I was never truly able to practice and experience before, at least not in a healthy way..

...

I see this kind of iridescent bubble infront of my inner eyes..

iridescent maybe, because it has this shimmer that reflects who and whatever observes it..from inside and outside..

mm, now this reminds me of one of my favourite lyrics from Marika Hackman..who I listened to quite a bit as teen..

"hiding in the midnight of my soul..please dont break the shell, that I call home.."

the song's called "Ophelia", its lovely..melancholic..

I will have to learn to let go..in order to become myself again..