April 17, 2026

Dear Diary,

J just kissed me goodbye 3 times (like every morning), rolled his bike out the front door, and headed off to work as I locked the door behind him. This is usually my least favorite part of the day, but today, I couldn't be happier.

After more months than I'd like to admit, we finally shared a night of intimacy that I've been craving with every bone in my body, and have been vocal about since the last time we had gone way-too-long, if ya know what I mean. I wish I understood what holds him back.

He claims it's stress, or his own insecurities. He claims it's not me, and that he never wants me to feel that he doesn't want me. He claims that he still finds me as sexy as when we met, despite the physical changes that come with age. (It's been 5 years, but I know that I've aged, and my looks have deteriorated by at least a decade- probably more.)

The part I can't figure out is how much better we BOTH feel once we finally let loose, and spend that time together, totally wrapped up in each other until we've used up every last bit of energy we could give to the other. To put it bluntly, it's mind-blowing. We completely let our guard down, feel comfortable with each other, experiment with new things, and know what the other likes the most. It seems to get better and better every single time, even after 5 years of monogamy. We've made jokes that we're going to end up the oldest married couple at the retirement home that keeps getting walked-in on by the nurses, and getting caught in highly inappropriate positions, but impressive positions, for our age. It's never boring. It's never "routine". It's all I could ever ask for, except... we'll go months, and months, I've even lost track before, where it seems that I'm the only one reaching out to touch him, or reminding him of how physically attracted to him I am. I know it's gotten bad when the only compliments I get are when I'm expressing my own insecurities, and he tries reassuring me. Gross...

The movies and TV shows have always made it seem like it's the wives who stop wanting to have sex with their husbands. I guess I should've known that what they try to portray in movies is hardly ever real-life.

The last couple of times, I've ended up nagging, and he feels like I'm putting so much pressure on him that all spontaneity is so far out the window that it's become a chore. (Not his words, but I'm not too far off.) When we reach that point, that's when I feel completely helpless. It feels like I can't do anything right, when all that I want is to be with him, close to him, to feel that he wants me just as much as I want him, to relieve some of the stress I know he carries from working so hard to support us both, and satisfy his every need. Again, this might be inappropriate for this platform, but I have a feeling there will be a man or a woman who has been in a long-term, committed relationship or married, and knows what I'm going through all too well, but is still hoping for resolution.

I think I may have finally cracked it. Without being needy, dramatic, or pushy- I think I finally came up with a way to get him riled up like I get simply by looking at him, that lets things happen naturally, and when he's ready:

All I did was start talking about sex more often, without it being in the context of "when can we try to fit it in, because I'm really feeling detached, and you're so distant, and I think it would help..." blah, blah, BLAH.

I started saying things like, "So, I think I finally realized what my 'kink' is today." I paused, and waited for him to respond, without looking over at him or anything, just going about whatever I was already doing... He finally stopped, looked at me, and said "Oh, yeah?" He had one of those rare smiles, the ones I only see when I've either really surprised him with how hilarious I am, or when he's feeling bashful, which is next to never. I smiled back, but didn't say anything. "Go on..." he said. That was it. I knew I had him hooked.

"I never realized it before, but I don't think we've ever done it with music playing. There are a few songs I can think of that make me feel tingly all over, so I think I want to try picking out a song before the next time we bang." Sometimes I feel so silly using words like "bang", because I'm an adult, but I can tell it brings him back to when we were younger. Back to when we met, and we were doin' it like rabbits on the daily, or at least, every chance we got.

He didn't say much after I revealed my kink-that-might-not-actually-qualify-as-a-kink.

Instead, while he was taking a shower, I did what I needed to do for myself to feel good in my body, like make my hair look messy in all the right ways, and I threw on one of his biggest t-shirts and wore nothing else.

It was go-time.

I quickly made a playlist of the few songs I had in mind, turned the volume up HIGH, and hit play the second I knew that he had stepped out of the shower.

Mission accomplished. The door to the bathroom flew open so fast it crashed into the wall behind it, and I was practically pounced on. Just what I had hoped for.

I just couldn't believe it was that easy! He had known for at least 3 months that I was dying to not only have sex, but have sex way more often than we had been. We both enjoy it (I'm positive), and have so much fun, it might never make sense to me why he gets the way he does. He hasn't reached the age where he has any reason to be insecure about his "performance", so aside from knowing that he likes for things to happen in a natural and spontaneous way, I just wish I knew what to do to prevent us from going such a long time without being together, if days turn into weeks, and so on...

I'm sure there are better platforms for this, but if you happen to be a man, especially a married one, or even a single guy who thinks they might have a good take or some advice I could use, I'm open to it! Feel free to comment.

After the night we had, I can honestly say I'm exhausted, and since it had been a while I can feel how far out of shape my body has become, and that's not cool with me at all! I'm fortunate enough to have an incredible man, who loves me so much that I'm allowed to spend the day sleeping if I should choose to do so. I want to surprise him with chores being done that I'd usually wait til the weekend to do, so definitely not ALL day, but I think I should allow myself some truly peaceful rest, since these moments of bliss have been few and far between. I really hope that last night was a turning point for us. It was so good, and so much fun, I just know he felt the same. As long as it's more than once every few months, I can be happy.

So pathetic, it's poetic...

-L