April 17, 2026

Dear Diary,

I dont know whats wrong with me. No matter how many times i hear it i cant help but feel like im gonna be abandoned, like this is it and i need to find out how to live life on my own...or dont. I cant do anything i love without wanting to gauge my eyes out so the tears will stop, because FUCKING EVERYTHING just leads back to him. My favourite games? He introduced me to them. My favourite songs? In some way, they have to do with him. My favourite shows? We watched them together. My FUCKING HOBBIES EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH HIM BECAUSE I WOULD DO THEM WITH HIM. I know its just a break, i know im probably over reacting, but for the past 2 months i have spent every second of my existence questioning if im actually loved, if i deserve to be loved. I have spent so long thinking I am defective, that Ill always end up being alone because I deserve it. that im incapable of being loved, and this feels like the nail in my coffin. I heard so many times that its going to be okay, that its just 2 months, everythings gonna go back to normal after. i just cant believe it. My brain wont let me. I wish it would stop. the voices, the fear, my heart racing, the blood pumping in ny veins. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I dont wanna feel like this. I dont wanna feel anything till this is all over. I wish i could be empty. I dont want to live like this, and its only been a day. I feel so broken. I used to be a straight A student and now I struggle to get anything above a C, and thats if Im lucky. I used to be perfect. I used to be so social my friends would say i brought life to a room, or my smile brought light to even the darkest void, but now im convinced my friends hate me, and i wouldn't blame them. Im a horrible person. Im broken. I push people away. I lie about personal questions just because i dont wanna tell the truth. I shove people out because im too scared to let them in, be vulnerable and be abandoned. I make up personalities to fit whoever im with just so ill feel loved to the point i dont know where the carefully curated versions of me end and the real me begins. I feel like im going to be alone forever and its going to be my fault. I dont blame them. Im insufferable, im dramatic, im always so scared all the time, im constantly on the verge of a panic attack even when i look happy. I feel so alone and isolated. I want to be held, to be reassured and told everything is okay, to be told im loved till i really believe it, but i dont deserve it.I feel like i deserved everything bad that happened to me. I deserved being groomed. I deserved being abandoned. I deserve the starvation, the constantly looking in the mirror and seeing disappointment. I deserved the loss of my childhood. I deserved the stalking. All of it. I feel so alone, and i feel like i deserve it. Like i deserve to suffer. I cant go more than an hour without crying and i feel pathetic. Pathetic for feeling. Pathetic for being hurt. Pathetic for being scared. Pathetic for feeling like abandonment is just around the corner, not just by my partner, by everybody. Pathetic for feeling, period. I wont tell anybody in my life any of this, because i dont want them to worry..or worse, feel like im saying it just to guilt trip them. Im not, i just...i dont know what to do with all this hurt. Nothing i do distracts me and everything i create just reflects it. I hate myself for a lot of reasons. For being a burden, for not acting 'okay' well enough, for the way I look, for the way I act when im scared to admit im not okay, the way i talk, for the fear that was placed upon me by hands that were not my own. I hate everything about me, because i see it as a reason to leave. I hate everything about me, because even when i tell everyone around me a thousand reasons why I love them, every reason why i adore them and I wont leave them, every little thing about them that i noticed about them and love that they may not even notice themself...ive never heard a single reason why anyone loves me back other than because im good at comforting them.