Noah, now that I've read this entry, I think I've read all of the entries you've posted. This one makes me want you to read my comment to your entry from March 22 even more, and if you felt any relief from it, maybe read my only diary entry next. I promise, we're a lot alike, and I'm the version of you that has spent years miserable and stuck, that has finally broken free from living in a constant state of panic, fear, shame, and pain. I don't want to be just another anonymous stranger that tells you everything will be okay, because as good as that can feel in the moment, take it from someone who has suffered longer and doesn't want your suffering to last anywhere near as long as mine has: sometimes, it doesn't get better. Sometimes, things just change, and the shock of it can feel like the world is ending. The one thing that has been consistent for me, is that whether it takes a day or YEARS, eventually, I always end up at a point where the thing that once made me feel like the world was ending, now feels so insignificant, and I can't believe I spent so much time drowning in my own misery when I could've been having fun and enjoying my life, no matter what that looks like. Maybe you won't be okay. Maybe this person you're on a "break" from will decide that it's just too much. Maybe you end up being the one who realizes that they aren't who you thought they were, and decide that you've spent enough time hurting, and are ready to be with someone who will be there through thick and thin, no matter how crazy you get, and no matter what challenges you may face together. I've had my heart ripped from my chest a solid handful of times, and I'm so grateful for that today. Every man or woman who hurt me, or who I didn't treat well, brought me closer to knowing the type of person who I'd spend forever with. That guy just kissed me goodbye, like he does every morning, on his way out the door to work. You deserve that, and you will realize at some point that being with someone who won't let themselves be happy is a hell of a lot to ask, especially at a young age. Please, read my other comment. I think it might help, or at least provide a suggestion you haven't thought of yet. (Yeah, I've been there, too... feeling like you've tried everything people have thrown at you, read every self-help article, tried to focus on hobbies or family and friends... but still, no relief. Trust me, you'll get there. That much, I'm positive of. No amount of suffering lasts forever, unless you force it to. Letting go is hard, but letting go of your own suffering should be easy, when you're ready.
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