I went to pan iit summit today

Dear Diary,

I went to the pan itt summit today. I wasn't actually planning to go, um but I think all the good things happened by accident. Punit sir randomly asked me to subscribe to this event. The goal was to meet other college alumnis. Just last night before sleeping I checked the schedule and I saw that there was also a startup section and so I went there. Not knowing what kind of startups are coming but I was amazed to see all the aerospace startups which came there. That's when I realized that my idea, my desire to work in aerospace, it's not novel. Every single one of those startup was in aerospace and hardware software intersection. Well all these years I have been sitting and thinking about wanting to do something in the feeling people are out there doing the real things creating a real impact. It looked like many of these people lacked funding. But I also found that all of those very passionate about what they were doing. I so wish I could be part of that. And yet I know that I do not have the courage to join join them today. After the demos I went to say hi to a couple of folks and I was talking to them it felt like I was nothing I could see that in myself feeling that I didn't know anything I was asking them dumb questions about I'm a software engineer how can I start how can I get into this field, And some of those give me names of random open source tools. Some of them said that this is what we are doing. This is our hard work. It reminded me of the time, when in 3rd year of the college, I went to meet Swastiken people who were building the websites and I asked them how can I learn jQuery and they suggested me a book and i could never learn.

And I think one thing that hit me hard inside and I'm only realizing it now is that nobody should interest in me being a software engineer. Nobody was like, okay, come work with me, or can you help me build this. Lately I'm realizing this everywhere I go I think my skill sets are not that valuable anymore. Nobody is really seeking me or maybe any software developer.

That is not a good feeling. I know, I'm not attached to myself a lot, but from career point of view maybe our skills are not that valuable anymore.

Anyways, I think what I really need to do is to go out and find opportunities and find something to work upon and work upon it, It will look like a risky move. Maybe I need to take that risk. Maybe I don't or maybe I do.

One mind tells me that I should not be really feeling formal about anything. We're not here to do everything. But the second name which I think is coming from FOMO is telling me that I'm not doing something new. I'm stuck I wouldn't say stuck I'm doing good at canary But I'm doing what I'm doing I'm not doing great things maybe I have opportunity to do great things at Canary as well and I'm not looking at that maybe I should just not feel the FOMO.

Anyway, I think I still want to explore and for that I will go to T Works, go to T Hub and maybe watch it a little bit more. And if I'm genuinely interested, I will do something about it. But it looks like the way forward for me is to start something and maybe not a job anymore. I think job in these fields isn't going to be there for me at this stage.

Another thing, I spoke with Dawrani last week and he told me about he doing that THING. He says he is feeling quite numb after that. He told me about the experience of eagle death and now not wanting to do anything. I know that resting is important and I believe in him and my immediate reactive mind wanted to tell him to start doing something and discard all his ideas but I'm glad that I did not. I believe in him and I know that this resting period is leading him somewhere which is unconventional but something great. I'm glad he could find this time in his life to think about things, the hard things, and he got a chance to know himself, to look at himself in a much more deeper way. I believe the right time will come and he will move and he'll be on the right track. Because this time he will be choosing it more consciously. He will be choosing what he really think is really important for him. I can't explain in words how it makes my heart feel. But it is a sort of ecstasy to see my friend growing spiritually.

Life is good, otherwise in general work is good. I switched my team, now I'm into engineering enablement.

I think I'll have more opportunities here. I just have to focus and prioritize.

I'm just going for two as time is passing by. I think I'm finding more solid companion in her. Although we have differences at time. I also think that when it gets really tough I have a good support. Friends are chipping away. Calls are getting less frequent now. Haven't called Mira in months. I hardly met Ashik in last few months. Did not mean Akhil, dawrani did not pick up my calls, haven't spoken with bhuvan in some time and no one else has even called me. That's life...

Anyway, I still think writing to you is one of the best thing I can do. And you are my best companion. Thanks for existing...

--Love--

--panda--