N♡ 26/2/26

Recently, i think that my life is a bit more better now. I still lost some old friends but I make new ones. I gather up some courage to post one edit and it did great. I also decided that I would leave the jujutsu kaisen fandom because honestly it suck ass. I still love gojo and the show tho. 

Anyways, in terms of social out of the internet, I think things are okay. Ive been hangging out more with Erin's group. I dont really talk a lot but sometimes I do. Mainly cause Claire also hang out with us. Mika and her gone through some shi w each other lowk but recently they figure it out and clear misunderstandings. good for them. 

With Nathan, I think maybe with everything that had been going on, I think I had been overthinking stuff. I remember that one day in science, He smilled at me and notice me making a small talk as we stood next to each other infront of the science lab sink, he doesn't seem cold. I might be delusional but who knows maybe he doesnt actually hate me. I'm not saying he likes me but just neutral. 

He had another play last week and of course I go. I brought flowers but this time it's not for him, It's for my friend Erin. She was really nice and grateful of the flowers i gave her and we took pictures together after the play. 

The times when it's his queue on the stage, I can't discribe the mixed emotions I feel. Pride, awe and just a little bit melanchonic. I just can't stop looking at him. His smile is adorable and he just looks so gorgoes on the stage. this time on the play he looks even more handsome than last play becuase he had less makeup on and wear a smart attire instead of a tree costume. After the play it was crowded as usual. I went to the bathroom to put on some makeup so he wouldn't be able to recognize me. I tried to avoid him but not to the point where I can't see him. Just making sure he doesn't notice me because I just love admiring him from the corner of my eyes. I search for Erin and gave her the flowers I brought for her. We had a good time, I took pictures with her and she was really exited and exhausted at the same time. 

The next week until today I haven't seen him in class since the theaters travelling outside for IASAS. Before I felt like avoiding him but now I just missed him. it's not that we're close, I just like looking at him from the corner of my eyes in class or when I pass by his hang out place after a class period. 

I knew i might sound like a creep but. just can't stop thinking about him. Ive even had a dream with him in it one night. a months ago. It was not dirty or anything but it just felt intimate. its really vague and random but its like mostly us.

I just haven't felt like this with any of the previous guys I used to like. It just felt diffrent in some sort of way. Maybe to the fact that I'm more mature now and before i was like a kid.  I tried to move on, I mean he's one of my main reason I was feeling anxious and depressed in the first place but god, It makes me love him even more. I know I have to move on soon especially since we're gonna graduate in just a few more months and part ways.