Dear Iga,
I realise my public speaking, can't ignore anymore, the more I think it's gone, the more it appears and I get struggle with.
The guy, who is my boyfriend now, maybe get to see me struggling or couldn't bear to see me struggling like this and that.
From last 3 days, he had been giving some simple kid level task to do. Saying "dopamine detox"
I am too lazy person, or I don't believe in doing or working on self improvement and all, but the interest and care he shows made me do it even if I don't want to. We act too childish, being too shy with each other even after a years of starting conversation, maybe because we never get into something like this.
One of the task to do today is to choose one or few topics, to do research, from the internet or wherever and trying to find in lesser amount of time. So, the topic I found necessary for me to choose is about "social anxiety or personality syndrome".
Before doing or starting research,
I found it as a daily or only main problem in my life, only the obstacle that doesn't let me continue my way no matter whichever paths I tried exploring ended up coming to the same starting point, so need to break this loop of falling into it.
Today again there was I had to speak in front of our whole class, my voice was shrinking like a baby crying voice, my body was shaking as if my mind went on a vacation leaving my own in a hell like this, making my heart get so shame just about to die. But I can't escape anymore, need to face this fear, I had been carrying since my early teenage years, need to throw this at my young adult life.
I write to let go of the burden of some part of my thoughts.
I really need to improve from shaking infront of people like this, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow again there is a high chance to talk again, I need to be ready to face that shame or whatever it is, I don't care anymore about what people may think about me.
FUCK OFF MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, I DON'T CARE, DID YOU LISTEN TO ME, I DON'T CARE.
To be honest, from last few years I had been watching ways to improve this, but still felt like I haven't improve even a little.
I watched few videos of few people, very short one, not very depth one, the good thing was they were improved a lot.
Now, I need to believe that it will also work for me, and I want it to work for me as well.
I will work on it, maybe if I return to this page after a year or after 5 years, I hope I will be a confident women, from whom someone facing the same problem could also improve.
I hope that day to happen.
I will work on it.